Sunday, September 16, 2012

What is guiding you?

Do you believe in fate? Or karma? Or that some higher being is guiding you through life?  Personally, I would like to think so.  Because at some point, it helps to be able to throw your hands up in the air and say, "I can't control this, somebody tell me what to do!!!"  Relying on the idea of a higher power, or a kismet circumstance, gives me a sense of peace but also a path to follow, even if it is a figment of my imagination.  I read a quote recently that struck me: "Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness." by James Thurber.  This quote spoke to me profoundly.  Was the act of seeing this quote, random?  Or was it a guiding marker on my path, speaking to me personally, if and only if I'm aware enough to listen.  Believe what you want, but I'm starting to be aware of my surroundings and listening for guidance.  I randomly came across a movie on HBO (which we have as a free trial), "Incredibly Close and Extremely Loud".  As I cried my way through the movie, I felt like someone was speaking to me personally.  The little boy's journey to discover what door the key opened while processing the grief of his father was moving and metaphorical.  As I've been sifting through depression trying to process my feelings, I've referenced feeling lost in the dark, searching for doors that are too small with keys that are too large....creating choreography about the Falling Man jumping from the towers and fixating on the horror...I felt like my last year and a half's struggle was being portrayed through this desperate little boy.  Random or not?  As I walked out of my rehearsal Friday, beginning to feel confident again...an unknown, female student was standing in the hallway wearing a purse with a picture of Alice in Wonderland on it.  I took note, smiled and breathed deeply.  Yes, this is my path, these are my markers, and my steps are becoming more confident.

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