As I sit in this dark tunnel, continuing my quest for reinvention and self-exploration, I have discovered something that I believe will be profound in my life. With the guidance of the small clues that have passed my way (Alice and her white rabbit, the light at the end of the tunnel, the boy in the movie that is searching for the lock that will be opened with the key) I have come to understand where my energy has been for several years. It is amazing, the power of energy. It can truly keep you going if focused correctly, or it can wear you down like a sputtering, dilapidated engine. For some time, in fact maybe my entire life time, I have spent my energy on pleasing other people, sometimes to the point of self-deprivation. I have had moments where I realized this, stepped back from those people, and then moved away from them. Sometimes this separation from "those" people has been simple and uncomplicated, and other times it has been...to say the least, excruciatingly painful. Up until now, I've been confused as to why I gravitate towards people who will consume all my energy and give me little in return, putting the focus back on them and their faults. But I think I've found another clue in this tunnel...
I recently came across a quote by William Hazlitt (I am REALLY in to quotes lately), who is an English writer and social commentator of the early 19th Century. The quote read, "He will never have true friends who is afraid of making enemies."
As I sit here, with my head still baffled by these words, I realize that there are two points of interest in this quote. One is the idea of true friendship being about honesty, being able to say things that may be difficult to hear but necessary to say. The other point of interest is the judgement of others who appear weak, who are afraid. This is really what first struck me about this quote. It resinates in my soul and makes my heart hurt a little, because I realize that I AM THE ONE WHO IS AFRAID.
I am the one who is weak, and yes many people have judged me for it. And for many years, that made me even more sad and made me try harder to have people like me. I allowed former boyfriends to treat me less than I deserved because I didn't want to be alone. I allowed my family to control my life because I was afraid to deal with the repercussions of standing up to them. I allow my children to get away with too much because I want them to love me. I allow my students to be disrespectful because I have low self-esteem. I allow my friends to take control because I am afraid of failure. Because I....because I.... This is the phrase that I understand now. I gave the power away, I gave the energy away...because I am afraid. I am weak.
I could live my life in a pool of other people's judgement, drowning in low self-esteem as I have done for many, many years. Years of wasted energy....
At 39 years old, I am ready to live my life in a new way....with boundaries. To only let energy flow equally in relationships. To not be passive-aggressive. To establish real friendships based on mutual love, trust, and honesty. And to be absolutely okay that people may not like me...that I may not be popular...that I may be different...that I may be alone. And it is okay.
The boy in the movie found a key and he hoped that it would give him the answer he was looking for. He put all his time and energy into finding the lock that fit that key. Until he could let go of that key, he couldn't find his true reward...acceptance. Only then could he gain confidence and learn to fly through the air.
I have found my reward, my key that fits my lock...and it gives me the peace and acceptance to fly. I realize that I am a leader, that people look to me for guidance, that they want me to be strong, and that they will tear me down if I am weak. But what I have come to realize is that I don't care either way. I am a human being first, humble and flawed. And those that judge me for that will drift away drowning in their own pools. I could choose to follow or learn to fly on my own...with my key.
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