Fear

Fear is a funny thing.  It can paralyze you, motivate you, or make you do stupid things.  It is completely subjective but can be felt kinetically as it changes the environment around you.  It can take you on a frantic rollercoaster ride, or push you into a deep, dark cave.  People are afraid of many things, some with reason, some without....but everyone experiences fear.  Fear of failure has never been a problem of mine...probably because I've had much success.    I have a happy, beautiful family, an established career in a profession that I love, a nice home, and food on my table.  Yes, I have many things to be thankful for.  By starting something that takes huge risk, that challenges both your psyche and your physical being, that exposes your vulnerabilities to your peers and community....I now understand the fear of failure.

The debut show of our dance collaboration, "Red Bucket Dance Theatre" is the biggest step, artistically, that I've ever taken.  To say that it has put me on a rollercoaster ride of fear, is an understatement.  Any artistic endeavor that I've done previously, has been in safe, educational environments.  The adage that "the outcome is not as important as the process" has shielded me from harsh judgment or given me an escape clause if things didn't turn out successfully.  But there is no escape clause on this one....either we succeed or we fail....and there will be judgment, believe me.  Dancers know how to be critical.  So why put myself through such mental torture??  Because I'm an artist.  Deep down, I truly am.  And I don't know how else to be.  I have to show the world my deepest, darkest thoughts and my most intimate experiences so that I can release them from my being to feel sane.  I know, it sounds crazy, but sometimes I FEEL crazy.

I heard an interview with Johnny Depp recently that gave me some peace.  For those of you, that don't know me, Johnny Depp is the end-all, be-all!!! Shooo, that boy is fine!!!  Sorry, I digress.... He said "failure is something I don't fear, whether I fail or succeed, it is my experience, it's mine.  I own it."  So, I will leave you with that thought and a beautiful picture of the man who thought it :-)  Thanks for listening.

My Project

When I was a child, I had an innate ability to direct those around me.  I would climb up into our attic which had been converted into a playroom and create productions for hours: "The Strawberry Shortcake Show"  "Sesame Street's Disco Hour" "Land of the Lost meets George Jetson".   It wasn't until my third-grade of school that I actually produced something with a true audience.  Somehow I convinced my teacher, Mrs. Washington, that our class should have a talent show and perform for the whole school.  Amazingly, she let me do it.  She set aside time to let me create within the school day, and encouraged the other children to participate.  I performed several dances, directed some skits, and let other children have an opportunity to create something.  We performed for our entire school and our families.  What seems amazing to me now looking back, is what a tenacious child I was, and what a wonderful teacher I had in Mrs. Washington. 

Walking the tightrope

One of the things that I find most challenging as a mother and artist is finding balance between the two worlds. I often joke about being a Gemini and being torn between my two personalities. I've even facetiously given my alter-ego a name, "Lola". When I'm feeling overly temperamental or aggressive, I'll sometimes say, "Watch out, Lola's coming out with her bad self!!" But truthfully, the divide in my personality haunts me daily as I long to be the creative being I picture in my heart. So, as I change the 10th diaper for the day, wipe the kitchen table one more time, or referee the latest battle between my two tumultuous daughters, I often feel the guilt of my egocentric soul who secretly wishes to be dancing and singing the night away on the stage of the local opera house....Believe me, I know the joy of parenthood, of being a loving wife and a happy homemaker. I would never change a moment of what I have for anything...but balancing the two desires of my being is like walking a tightrope while holding a plate on each hand...the slightest bobble can lead to an emotional pitfall into the great unknown...