Fear

Fear is a funny thing.  It can paralyze you, motivate you, or make you do stupid things.  It is completely subjective but can be felt kinetically as it changes the environment around you.  It can take you on a frantic rollercoaster ride, or push you into a deep, dark cave.  People are afraid of many things, some with reason, some without....but everyone experiences fear.  Fear of failure has never been a problem of mine...probably because I've had much success.    I have a happy, beautiful family, an established career in a profession that I love, a nice home, and food on my table.  Yes, I have many things to be thankful for.  By starting something that takes huge risk, that challenges both your psyche and your physical being, that exposes your vulnerabilities to your peers and community....I now understand the fear of failure.

The debut show of our dance collaboration, "Red Bucket Dance Theatre" is the biggest step, artistically, that I've ever taken.  To say that it has put me on a rollercoaster ride of fear, is an understatement.  Any artistic endeavor that I've done previously, has been in safe, educational environments.  The adage that "the outcome is not as important as the process" has shielded me from harsh judgment or given me an escape clause if things didn't turn out successfully.  But there is no escape clause on this one....either we succeed or we fail....and there will be judgment, believe me.  Dancers know how to be critical.  So why put myself through such mental torture??  Because I'm an artist.  Deep down, I truly am.  And I don't know how else to be.  I have to show the world my deepest, darkest thoughts and my most intimate experiences so that I can release them from my being to feel sane.  I know, it sounds crazy, but sometimes I FEEL crazy.

I heard an interview with Johnny Depp recently that gave me some peace.  For those of you, that don't know me, Johnny Depp is the end-all, be-all!!! Shooo, that boy is fine!!!  Sorry, I digress.... He said "failure is something I don't fear, whether I fail or succeed, it is my experience, it's mine.  I own it."  So, I will leave you with that thought and a beautiful picture of the man who thought it :-)  Thanks for listening.