A Wonderful New Year

I have a confession.

Now don't judge too harshly...being the avid film addict that I am...

up until this year, sadly...

I had never seen It's A Wonderful Life.   I know, huge gasps are loudly expelling as you read this.  I have been completely un-American.  This movie is like Christmas gold.

But in my defense, a two and a half hour movie with no singing, dancing, animation, or slap-stick comedy was never very appealing to a child during the holiday season.  As an adult I have known for some time that it is one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time, but any time that it aired I would catch it somewhere in the middle and I absolutely will not watch a movie unless I see it from the very beginning.  This year I was determined to watch classic Christmas movies and dvr'd the film so I could watch it after the kiddos had gone to sleep one night.

No shocker here, but yes, the movie made me cry.  It is truly cinematic gold.  The tale of George Bailey, who regrets never living out his dreams and secret aspirations of glory, can touch all of us as we question the choices we have made in life.  The beauty of this film is witnessing the turmoil of this man who had the integrity and heart to make the right decisions, not the easy ones.  Who did what needed to be done in sacrifice of his own opportunities for money or fame.  In the end he finds that he is rich beyond compare with the love and gratitude from all of those around him.  WOW!  I think we all can learn from George Bailey.

As the year slowly winds down and the celebrations towards a new year begin to unfold, I am pondering things in my life right now.  What will the future hold for me?  What life changes need to be made?  How have I affected the lives of those around me?  Have I been a good person?  Have I shown enough love?

Oh I know all of the New Year's resolutions are about to be decided... and the fitness industry wants all of us to join gyms and try to fulfill our narcissistic tendencies...I am just as guilty as anyone on that count.  But growth and life experiences have changed my focus to more spiritual healing.  I want to resolve to be my best self.  Simple.  Do what is right, and not what is easy.  The truth is, I have been trying to run away from egotistical, bad behavior as I was ashamed of my own part in it.  But pointing the finger at bad behavior does nothing to change it.  You have to DO better.  You have to BE better.  So learning from George Bailey...fame and glory aren't real.  Relationships are real.  The way we treat each other is real.

You may never know if you have changed someone's life in a good way or not, but it will certainly give you a sense of peace knowing that you tried.

Like Frank Capra's epic film, my New Year's resolution is to live a wonderful life.  I hope that we can all do better in the new year.  Much love to all.

Coming Full Circle - finding Yin and Yang

There once was this little dance piece that I created called "Yang."  I remember being at the audition for the yearly faculty dance concert at the University and seeing this group of men at the audition, the most men that we had had at an audition in a long time.  As I walked into the audition, I did not have any idea what piece I wanted to create which is somewhat unusual for me as I am a person who usually thinks about an idea or inspiration for months to a year before I get into the studio.  But somehow seeing those men warming up made hairs rise on the back of my neck and I knew in that moment that an all-male piece was what I was suppose to create. 

Creating the piece was a bit of a challenge, as the set pieces came late in the process and the physicality of the piece was somewhat trial and error (I am very girlie-girl, so this was a whole new way of thinking about movement for me).  The men were very open and receptive and I remember them trying so hard to give me the vision that I wanted.  Sadly, the piece had to be pulled from the show after opening night due to an injury.  This was one of the saddest moments of my career.  I was devastated, and so were they.  It was no one's fault, it was just kismet.  Somehow the stars aligned and the universe decided that it wasn't time for this work to be completed.  I remember feeling so bad that I had somehow created this failed experience for the students, but they were lovely as we consoled each other. 

Fast-forwarding to the present, 4 years later, we just closed the show for the annual faculty concert and my baby "Yang" was just put safely to rest, having brilliantly made its appearance in completion.  The dancers were amazing.  Dedicated.  Open.  Loving.  I feel so blessed and grateful.  It is as if these past four years were suppose to happen the way they did so that I could experience this pure joy and contentment. 

Yes, the failure of the first attempt at "Yang" was the beginning of a very tumultuous number of years for my personal and professional growth as I worked in the community trying to build a company with colleagues, and I have struggled with the pain of psychological wounds that were inflicted.  I even took a break from choreographing at the University as I still have some anxiety walking into the dance space now.  But I somehow knew that my first piece after my healing break, had to be "Yang."  I had to heal that wound because I believed in the piece fully and knew that it deserved another chance. The experience was amazing.  It was fun, exhilarating, powerful, and healing.  It reaffirmed my instincts that the dance space is sacred.  That there is no room for ego or negative energy, that it is a place to create art and allow each of us to explore without judgement.  It is fragile, and should be approached with the utmost reverence.  

Coming full circle has shown me that the lessons of these past years have helped me get to this point.  I feel content and excited for my next adventure.  I wish nothing but the best for all of my dance community in their future endeavors.  I am at peace, and I hope in their hearts, they are as well.  After all, there has to be balance in the world of Yin and Yang in order to find peace.  Three of the original cast members were able to see the piece as they are locally working as dance artists, and they each spoke about how happy they were to see it in completion.  The other three dancers are scattered across the world pursuing their dreams as dancers.  I send them much love, I miss them.  Thank you, to my second cast of dancers.  You have no idea how much you have helped this crazy Mama find herself again, and to own her own madness as absolutely beautiful.  Much love to you all!

My son Zane laying down with all of the gifts from my dancers.

Just keep swimming

I TURNED IN MY GRADUATE PROPOSAL!!!  Woohoo!  High fives are commencing all around.  It has been a confusing, emotional, and sometimes frustrating process to even get to the point of submitting the dang thing, and the most difficult part of writing the thesis hasn't even begun yet.  This is not because of the Graduate program, it is mainly because of my own ability to overload myself with too many things: Mother, Wife, Teacher, Choreographer, Daughter, Sister, Friend, PTO President, and now Student.  It is hard to keep all of those balls juggling in the air. 

As I have been on the journey of a Graduate Student now for over a year, it has been wonderful to step out of my "artistic box" and challenge myself in new ways.  I have learned so much about myself and how I relate to people.  I have met new friends and been inspired to be the best person that I can be.  It is amazing how new environments can refresh your soul.   When live gets you down, you just keep on swimming...

Not a great picture, but here is my proposal, along with my messy desk.

The tiara is not mine, nor the frisbee, alas...the life of a Mom in school.

Another Cinematic Moment...

What do you do when you are on the other side, when you have crossed the abyss?  How do you feel? How do you behave? How do you react?  How do you take the tentative steps to move forward?

There are times in our lives when we experience transformation, when we have faced our demons and have come out alive...times when we have painfully grown up or survived an unexpected, jarring experience.

As an avid reader and movie fanatic, I often relate my own personal experiences in life to my favorite stories on film. In fact, as I create choreography I often refer to moments in films as sources of inspiration for certain movements or feelings.  Life to me, is like one giant MOVIE.

The cinematic moment that keeps coming to mind right now is a scene from one of my favorite films, Shawshank Redemption, regarding Andy Dufresne, "who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."  Like Andy standing in that river with rain pouring down on him, arms held up and stretched wide, we are awakened to a new sense of of our own being.  We are free.  Finally, free.  Andy walked out of that river and took ownership of his life.  He took control of the situation and let justice be served.

I think what is beautiful about Stephen King's writing of this character is that as long as Andy stayed in the prison, he reciprocated the criminal behavior even though he wasn't a criminal in the first place.  He allowed the prison to control him.  He did what he had to do to survive. Though he truthfully found meaningful relationships and understood the goodness of the people who were also trapped inside the prison, which made him regret leaving them behind, he understood that if he continued to stay he would lose himself in there. 

I think there are times in our lives where we are all stuck in our own prisons.  There are times where we compromise our beliefs or our boundaries in order to function in the environment we are in.  Maybe it is because we desperately want to survive, or maybe it is because there is something that we desperately want to have, or some image or lifestyle that we want to be a part of.  Does it mean that we create that environment?  Maybe, maybe not.  But by choosing to stay in it, we definitely will always feel the turmoil of our inner struggle with our own character.  When Andy decided to finally leave, he faced crawling through 500 yards of sewage to reach freedom.  What a metaphor. 

But he did it, and he SURVIVED.  As he walked away he took his integrity and his self-worth with him.  I like to believe that he was a better person on the outside afterwards.  That he wasn't so absorbed with the fictitious drive for money, status, and higher-class and that maybe he saw people differently.  I would like to think that we all can come out of our own prisons more generous and more caring, but most importantly, with more understanding of our own self-worth.

So what do we do once we have crossed the abyss?  "We get busy living, or get busy dying."  Oh...and we remember "that hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Or maybe we just watch Shawshank Redemption...

Andy Dufresne

My Summer of LOVE

When I was in the midst of depression, where I couldn't see past my own pain or get out of my own head-space, a very dear friend of mine taught me about the "Tiers of Enlightenment."  I do not know where she learned about them or whether the things that she said to me are accurate from the original source, but I like the way that she explained them to me and thought that I would share.

You see, we all live on a Tier...and there are people who are above us and people below us.  We recognize people on our Tier as seeing the world as we do in that moment; maybe they are going through a similar life experience, or they are on the same trajectory of career ambition.  When you look down below you, you see people who have not reached your Tier, you have been where they are but you now have become enlightened.  You however do not "look down" on them, because you are "above" that type of energy.  I should point out that each Tier has nothing to do with age.  People reach Tiers at different paces.  The people who are on the top most Tier are people like Mother Teresa or Gandhi.

The important thing to understand is the only way to move up to the next Tier is to experience something life-changing. It can be an event that is anticipated or heart-wrenchingly unexpected.  It can be of our own choosing, or it can be thrown at us.  The process can often be painful and can feel like you are being reborn, but once you are on that new Tier you understand the world, your existence, and the capacity for love more clearly.  

When my friend explained the "Tiers of Enlightenment" to me, my mind was blown.  It honestly gave me such a complete sense of hope and understanding.  I knew in that instant, that I was going to be okay.  Thank you, my dear friend.  You are an Angel on earth for guiding me on that day.

This summer has been one of the best summers of my life.  I have felt more at peace with my own being.  I have been the most present and in tune with my children and husband.  I have enjoyed every moment we have shared with each other.  I have been reborn.  I am excited to have a world of new sensibilities around me, and I understand where and with whom I want to share my energy.  It has been a summer of LOVE.

I have such love for this world and the possibilities for human compassion.  I now look at the day ahead and ask myself:

How do I learn?  How do I teach?  How do I love?  How do I grow?  How do I help?  How do I share?

Carpe Diem, my friends.  Here's to the last day of my summer vacation!

The View from the Wings

My mission in life is to NOT be a "Stage Mom."  I cringe just thinking about it.  We all know the type...somehow Joan Crawford from "Mommy Dearest" pops in to my head.  I'll let that image sink in for a minute......

So when my girls showed an interest in wanting to dance, my anxiety level rose ten-fold.  How would I navigate being a "Stage Mom?"

Finding a studio for my girls to learn the beauty and art of dance was very difficult actually.  Sometimes it's a bad thing that I know so much about dance.  It took trying three different studios before I found the right one for me and my girls.  And the main point of that last sentence is the right studio for ME.  I had to feel comfortable there. And it had to feel like the right environment for them to grow and explore the art of dance. I wanted it to be about the art and the discipline.  I LOVE my girl's dance studio.  It reminds me of the studios on the East Coast where I learned classical technique.  It feels like home. 

So I watch from the wings, and I help back stage, and I try not to correct them...which is really hard at times.  I leave the corrections to their teachers who are very well trained.  I sometimes participate if they need me.  I appreciate that they let me be involved.

As the music soars through the air and the little ones are lined up ready to go on stage with their frilly costumes and cute little bows in their hair, I watch from the wings as my daughters dance with joy and passion for the audience.  It is an indescribable feeling...almost like magic.  I'm glad that I am able to be there.  And yes, that makes me a "Stage Mom." <big sigh>

Angie waiting backstage for her big entrance.

 Gwen and her classmates getting the jitters out behind the curtain.

Dance in My "little-big" Town

It always amazes me how small the dance world is.  The six-degrees of separation thing really does exist; especially when you find yourself working small gig after small gig to establish your resume in the world of theater and dance.

For myself, my years of gig hopping are over as I have firmly planted my tutu on the shelf and only work within the Sacramento area.

Sacramento is what you might call a "little-big" town when it comes to dance and theater.  We have a professional ballet company, two professional theater companies, and a summer-stock Broadway Musical company. We are privileged to be a stop on the national tour circuit for dance, theater and music.  Not bad for what a lot of people consider a cow town.  These companies only thrive on the support of the community.

 The Sacramento Community Center Theatre

What exists beyond that is a plethora of community theater companies and a few semi-professional dance companies who all try and make a partial living with their passion.  This town's theater and dance scene's history is rooted very deeply for some people and everyone knows everyone by association.  I have seen (and experienced myself) the failure of many of these artistic dreams for a variety of reasons.  The competition can be fierce in a small pond. 

As I sit back and view the artistic scenery, I begin to ponder... is it community or competition?  And what is the difference?  How do we treat each other? How do we support each other? Or do we?  How do we talk about each other? And what does this teach the children that aspire to be like us? What type of community do we see ourselves as? How would we like to see ourselves ten years in the future? How do we make that happen?

The truth of the matter is, I am not going anywhere any time soon.  That tutu is still on a shelf here in this "little-big" town of Sacramento...and yes, I would still like to work here, as do many others.  I do not want to be alone in this endeavor, and I certainly do not consider myself beneath or above the challenge of working with my peers.  I enjoy watching my community with its artistic endeavors, and I hope that they will support me in mine.  Hopefully my community will grow and mature.  More theater and dance is a good thing, and hopefully there will be a little something for everyone.  I am curious how others feel in "little-big" towns like mine.

 

 My dear friend Nolan T'Sani perfoming with the Sacramento Ballet.

When Stepping Back is the The Best Choice in Your Awkward Social Dance

I have been on "hiatus", taking a step back from dance for awhile.  My heart still feels a little soar when I think about it, but I know it is the right decision for me right now.  I am learning to trust my instincts and to embrace the vacation.  It is interesting when you start to focus on what you need, and not what everyone else thinks about your art; or you choose to not get sucked into whatever adrenaline-addicted train you ride when you are trying to "prove yourself" as an artist.  It has been nice to just be the observer; kind of like watching other couples dance on the ballroom floor.  You start to notice things that you have never even thought about before.  The way the man pushes the woman gently to make the next turn...or the way she resists...or the slow turn that suspends the arc of the glittery costume fringe are all quite interesting moments... As I watch, I can feel wounds healing though some scars are still sensitive. I have cried a lot, watching others dance...which is good, because the artists have moved me. I still enjoy seeing dancers lose themselves in the moment. The passion.  It will always be there.

I want to make sure that I state out loud that I am not giving up.  That I still am a choreographer and dance professional. I still have dreams and ideas.  I just know that I haven't found the right time in the music to step back on the dance floor.  I have taken a few awkward attempts.  But it still feels like I'm stuttering, tripping over my own two feet... so I know it is not quite time yet.

Yes, I have learned many new things while stepping back...

To enjoy the moments of silence...

And to not live in fear...

Life is filled with beautifully awkward moments, if you take the time to notice the details...and enjoy the other dancers on the dance floor.

from Strictly Ballroom (1992)

Change is good.

Change is upon us.

I can feel it in the air.  It is a new excitement, a new surge of energy.  And it has come upon me with great force <camera focuses in for extreme close-up right now>.

It almost feels like that brief few seconds after you jump out of an airplane, when the sense of falling is upon you. You are flailing your arms and legs trying to grab a hold of something, your senses acute with your surroundings, as if your primal instinct has taken over.  Soon that feeling of falling disappears and you find yourself flying, soaring through the sky like superman. It is an amazing moment. I encourage everyone to try skydiving at least once in their lifetime.

These feelings of excitement are how I know that my artistic juices are beginning to flow.  Ideas, colors, sounds, images are starting to appear, swimming around me like leaves in a whirlwind.  It feels good, and it makes me feel happy; aka "normal". For the first time in two years I feel like creating art again. 

And for the first time in two years, the energy is coming from a place of peace and acceptance.  Not anger or animosity.

I feel like a survivor. When you find the beach that leads to civilization after floating on a raft in the vast, dark ocean for two years, the only thing that matters is that you made it out alive.  I am just grateful to be here...like finding my feet on the ground after jumping out of that airplane.

I went into the studio this weekend, and started to work again.  I gathered a few gentle souls whom I love and started to get my hands dirty. It felt good.  And I'm just going to leave it at that.  Allowing myself to feel good.

<3


Skydiving was my birthday gift from my hubby on my 25th Birthday.  Amazing experience.