What is guiding you?

Do you believe in fate? Or karma? Or that some higher being is guiding you through life?  Personally, I would like to think so.  Because at some point, it helps to be able to throw your hands up in the air and say, "I can't control this, somebody tell me what to do!!!"  Relying on the idea of a higher power, or a kismet circumstance, gives me a sense of peace but also a path to follow, even if it is a figment of my imagination.  I read a quote recently that struck me: "Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness." by James Thurber.  This quote spoke to me profoundly.  Was the act of seeing this quote, random?  Or was it a guiding marker on my path, speaking to me personally, if and only if I'm aware enough to listen.  Believe what you want, but I'm starting to be aware of my surroundings and listening for guidance.  I randomly came across a movie on HBO (which we have as a free trial), "Incredibly Close and Extremely Loud".  As I cried my way through the movie, I felt like someone was speaking to me personally.  The little boy's journey to discover what door the key opened while processing the grief of his father was moving and metaphorical.  As I've been sifting through depression trying to process my feelings, I've referenced feeling lost in the dark, searching for doors that are too small with keys that are too large....creating choreography about the Falling Man jumping from the towers and fixating on the horror...I felt like my last year and a half's struggle was being portrayed through this desperate little boy.  Random or not?  As I walked out of my rehearsal Friday, beginning to feel confident again...an unknown, female student was standing in the hallway wearing a purse with a picture of Alice in Wonderland on it.  I took note, smiled and breathed deeply.  Yes, this is my path, these are my markers, and my steps are becoming more confident.

Rediscovering Myself

It's amazing how honing in on the simple things in life really bring things into perspective.  As part of my process of reinventing myself, I've begun to focus on the things that make me feel unique and special; simply put, the things I've always loved.  I've started to read again, and not just my favorite books that I've read a hundred times...but new novels and new authors.  I feel smarter somehow when I read and live in imaginary worlds.  I finished the "Hunger Games" trilogy, which I loved, and now reading "The Help".  I know, I'm way behind on the latest novels...bear with me.  But I'm so excited because I've just pre-ordered my copy of the new J.K. Rowling book, "The Casual Vacancy".  Super excited to cuddle under a warm blanket, by the fire, and read while my hubby watches football....

Moving on...

A few months back I posted about feeling trapped in a dark tunnel; afraid and paralyzed.  Time has passed and the relief I feel is overwhelming, because I see the light at the end of the tunnel now.  It is still a small light and a great distance away...but at least it's there.  I know now, why I'm in the tunnel and what I need to do to get out.  There are going to be several steps and many things that I have to prove to myself, but I'm starting to feel excitement as I reach for this light.  The truth of the the matter is, I'm really not a depressed person normally.  If people were to describe me before, they would say, "happy, go lucky", "sweet-tempered", "fun".  So the beginning of the journey starts with "what happened to that girl?" 
I think, she found herself in a place where doors were too small, and keys were too big, and white rabbits ran off leaving her behind.  She tried to make sense out of a world that had no sense.  Because, it wasn't her world to begin with.  She didn't belong there.
That is a huge pill to swallow. She didn't belong....Insert long dramatic pause....
So moving through the pain of rejection, not able to fit into this place that she so wanted to call home, nothing she did or said made her welcome...  
The epiphany has come...right key, wrong door.  Somewhere, there is another door, another house that fits that key....so the key wasn't bad, it shouldn't be disregarded.  It simply is waiting to find it's match.