The lesson to be learned...

Choreographer, teacher, mentor, director.  All of those titles are positions that I feel truly blessed to be called.  I LOVE what I do for a living.  I love the feeling of creating choreography that feels pure and expressive.  I cherish the moments when I teach someone about dance and open their eyes to something that they've never experienced before.  And the feeling of mentoring a fellow artist helps me feel humble about my craft.  Directing is something that is new and exciting to me; and definitely a work in progress.
I think back to the choreographers, teachers, mentors, and directors who I had the pleasure of working with in my education in dance, and feel truly grateful.  Not only for all the things that they taught me about dance and life in general, but also for putting me in my place when I thought that I knew more than them.  Because that is truly the moment that needs to be learned....how not to be arrogant. 
I think back to myself as a young dancer, when I felt stifled and held back by a teacher or director.  I remember those moments of frustration, thinking "why don't we do this instead?" or "why are we having to do this?"  The truth of the matter is, I was completely missing the point.  There is a hierarchy in dance for a reason and learning from your master and honoring their position is what makes you a better dancer and future choreographer, teacher, mentor or director.  Because people don't want to work around arrogance.  They want to work in a loving and nurturing environment where they feel accepted.  So opening yourself up to others ideas of what dance is and fully committing to let them guide you is what is important; staying humble, and appreciative.  For the master who loves will teach his children to love...

On a mission...

I'm noticing a pattern in my life.  It goes something like this.  Constant schedule, focused and in control, acceleration of speed, high stress, anxiety, emotional outbreaks, out of control speed, loss of control, psychological breakdown, crash, lethargic state, depression, daze, reawaken, back on schedule....cycle repeats.  Can anyone else relate to this???

I'm making a conscious choice to try and break the cycle, or to at least handle the cycle differently.  I'm taking inspiration from the famous blogger Julie Powell of "Julie and Julia" fame, who went on a mission to complete 524 Recipes in 365 days.  I, unfortunately, don't trust myself that I could complete a mission for a whole year.  Call me pessimistic...or realistic, ha.   Rather, I'm going to take baby steps.  I once read that it takes repeating something for 15 days to make it a habit.  I'm banking on that philosophy to complete my challenge.  That way if I succeed at 15 days, then maybe I can continue for more.

So for 15 days I am going to try and meditate.  As this is a completely foreign process for me on the purest sense ( I've studied yoga, have a believe in spiritual faith, am educated in relaxing exercises, etc., but never truthfully practiced meditation on a regular basis)...I know this will be a struggle.  But I'm in a point of my life where I feel a heightened sense of desperation and am hoping that meditation could be my salvation.

So let the mission begin....

Vive L'Art!!!!!

Works of choreography are like your children; something created through blood, sweat, and tears.  They are pieces of your psyche that show the raw, inner flesh of your dreams, desires, and vulnerabilities; on display for the sole purpose of being expressive.  It is sometimes painful, and sometimes glorious.  Regardless, I adore creating choreography!!!!!!!

I'm always intrigued however by other people's reactions to choreography.  Why is it that some choreography is appealing to some and not others?  I admit, there are choreographers I adore, and those that bore me to tears... but I try and be supportive and open-minded when viewing.  I often think of the infamous Paul Taylor work in which the man stands on stage for something like 5 min. doing absolutely nothing...how would I have felt as an audience member viewing such a work?  I've been told that half the audience got up and walked out.  I am now convinced of the mastery and bravery of Paul Taylor.  To put something so controversial on stage and to stand behind the thought process of creating such work so adamantly, blows my mind.

 

Paul Taylor

In the twenty years that I've studied and taught choreography, I've had both successes and failures.  But the question I'm pondering is to whose ideals were those successes or failures?  Truthfully, I very much cared at the time what my audience thought...call me the jazz girl for wanting to be entertaining.  But my mood is shifting of late...truth be told, I'm feeling a little bit pissy.  Who the hell cares whether I create some big statement or not?  Or whether the dancers are all in unison, or whether it's a "masterpiece".  Or whether I'm smart enough, or have had enough education, or if I've studied with this popular choreographer or been to this convention?  Or toured with this company?  Or whatever?????   It's fucking ART!!!!!  It doesn't matter if you're Chopin or my son plinking away on the piano, it's still just black and white keys moving in a rhythm or pattern.  Why do we as artists have to be so high brow????  Watch what dance you enjoy, and be open to broadening your mind for those that you don't.  Enough said.

So as I move forward in the process of creating choreography, I'm channeling the spirit of Paul Taylor....And sticking by my convictions, If you don't like it, you can leave half way through the piece...I will rest assured that I have accomplished my goal, as I still got your money when you walked through the door....Vive l'Art!!!

Building a New Foundation

I'm starting to work on my next project.  It's a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, and literally, pieces of color that seem to be floating around my head.  I see certain pieces clearly, and other pieces haven't come into focus yet.  The past year has been mind-blowing on so many levels.  Being a part of Red Bucket Dance Theatre and producing my first full-length art piece was just like the content, an emotional rollercoaster ride.  My inner core has been revealed.  As I've stated previously this year, the response was amazingly supportive. 

Within the process and aftermath, I've come to realize some truths about myself.  First and foremost, I'm an artist, and all that entails...I can not control my emotions, I have difficulty with conflict, and I express myself through my medium: dance.  Secondly, I'm a mother and somewhat co-dependent.  I tend to worry about the feelings and well being of others to a degree that is unhealthy for me.  This becomes very apparent when I spend a significant amount of energy trying to appease someone with little or no emotional support in return.  Lastly, but most importantly, I am a survivor....I put one foot in front of the other, and blindly work my way towards my next check on my to-do list.  No matter what, I know what and who are important in my life. 

I believe that this year, for me, was suppose to happen.  Sometimes we become too complacent in our lives and need a little hiccup to jolt us into reality.  For I am truly blessed. My family and closest friends mean the world to me.  They are truthfully my lifeline right now and the only thing that makes sense to me anymore.  

I look forward to blogging about the process for this next project.  I hope that you enjoy the ride....

Beginning again...

For those of you that know me, you are already aware that I'm coming out of a huge funk.  Producing my first show was an emotional roller coaster ride, to say the least.  It was amazing, exhilarating, terrifying, and yes, a life-changing experience.  But the aftermath left me feeling bruised, scarred, and definitely deflated.  Several weeks later, I've had some time to process all of those amazing emotions and feel like I'm beginning again...shedding the skin of my former self, coming out wiser, stronger and ready to love again...

I'm sharing some pictures of the beautiful signs of spring that are appearing in my garden at home, they give me inspiration for new ideas, new adventures, and a new creative process...

my rose bushes starting to bud

fuchsia in bloom

my Japanese Maple starting to get it's leaves

Snapdragons!!!!

Tulips!!!!!

All the little orange dots on this plum tree are ladybugs...I counted 22...amazing!

Happy Spring Everyone!

Filling my glass

Do you believe the glass is half full, or half empty?  For years, I've considered myself as viewing the glass half full.  I've always told others to look to the bright side, to follow their dreams, to lead with their hearts, and to accept the world with open arms.  What I'm recognizing now is that I've been helping or guiding others, using my energy to help fix them.  To please them.  Yup, the big 'ole people-pleaser.  That's me.  The world can be absolutely harmonious, and I will pick out the one thing that doesn't seem right and try to fix it.   In fact, I obsess about it until I figure out how to fix it.  And if I can't fix it, then I punish myself and turn that energy into self-loathing for disappointing others.  Crazy, huh?  Where does this come from, this self-loathing, this insecurity?  I truthfully don't know....  What I do know, is that these feelings are why I create art through dance.  Because it's the only way that I can make sense of my emotions...  So, I recognize that the glass is half empty.  But I'm working towards making it full.

Rollercoasters

So how many of you enjoy rollercoasters?  The sound of the clicking of the gears as your cart is slowly lifted up to the top of, God only knows, how high of a hill...  The wind on your face, the rush of intensity you feel as you plunge forward, your stomach feeling like it's somewhere up in your throat...  The thrill of the dip as you gain momentum going around that nail-biting turn and then coming to the abrupt halt as the air-breaks release that hissing sound?   I LOVE rollercoasters :-)  Somehow starting Red Bucket Dance Theatre and producing our first show, sure feels like one hell of a rollercoaster ride....

Finding Inspiration

Inspiration  for choreography can come from many places.  It can be a soft, subtle moment, or something that smacks you right in the face unexpectedly.  Either way, I love the moment when inspiration strikes.  Here are just a few things that inspire me.

The Rain

The Glow of a Warm Fire

A Good Book

or

The Majesty of a Beautiful Sunset 

So what inspires you?

Enjoying the Process

When being a part of an artistic endeavor like concert dance, there is a great deal of time spent developing the choreography called, "The Process".  I'm not sure who coined the phrase, but I didn't start using it until a few years back while teaching dance to college students.  Essentially, "The Process" is the amount of time the choreographer takes to create a piece.  It can take days, weeks, months, or even years to develop and put on stage a cohesive piece of choreography.  I absolutely love the process of creating choreography, but I didn't always feel this way.  Truthfully, "The Process" can look very different depending on whether you're the director/choreographer or you're the dancer.

As a dancer, I couldn't wait to be on stage performing for an audience.  I LOVED to perform.  However, the countless hours in a studio seemed tedious to me, at times.  Don't get me wrong, I loved taking dance classes.  I loved learning technique and testing my abilities.  Walking into a dance studio, the smell of the wood floor, the feel of the barre, the shimmer of the lights reflecting off the mirror, always make me feel like the little girl that fell in love with ballet, so many years ago.  But there are also many memories of insecurity, frustration, and physical pain.  There is a lot that goes on mentally while learning someone else's movement.  There's a certain amount of give and take that's involved.  Not only do you have to learn the sequence of steps, but in the correct timing and with the proper nuances while portraying the emotion that the choreographer envisions.  Sometimes it comes easy, and sometimes it's painfully difficult.  If you have one tiny amount of self-doubt, the task feels almost impossible.  Add into that any degree of temperament from the choreographer or dancer, and it can even feel like a ticking time bomb.  Due to my own tenacity and perfectionist ideals, I could be a very temperamental dancer in the process.  It's not that I meant to be disrespectful, but I was strong-willed and insecure.  I was like the mare that doesn't want to be tamed.  I would sometimes be yielding, then lazy, then spirited, then defiant.  I honestly don't know why any choreographer put up with me?????  All I can say now is that I was being chased by my own demons, and wish I could go back and learn it all again.

I didn't really start to enjoy the process until a few years ago.  It's amazing how things transfer into your everyday life.  I think I've struggled through every personal phase in my life, fretting over why things didn't turn out the way I planned, or why couldn't this have happened sooner....the list is endless.  It took a small, almost insignificant moment for the epiphany to occur.  I was making breakfast for my eldest daughter, Gwendolyn, who was probably 5 years old at the time.  I handed her the plate with a knife and a fork and asked her if she'd like to cut up her own waffle, and commented on how she would be such a "big girl".  When I came back to see how she liked her breakfast, she was sitting there with tears streaming down her face, her waffle left untouched.  When I asked her what was the matter, she explained to me through her tears that she couldn't cut her waffle.  I saw, in that moment, her sense of failure.  And with tears welled up in my own eyes, I told her that if you try something and don't succeed, it's called practice. 

Since that moment, I've learned to enjoy the process.  It has been such a huge relief.  John Lennon once wrote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."  Now as I journey through life, I try and remind myself to not make too many insurmountable expectations.  And by doing so, I hope that I can enjoy the process both in and out of the studio....

Fear

Fear is a funny thing.  It can paralyze you, motivate you, or make you do stupid things.  It is completely subjective but can be felt kinetically as it changes the environment around you.  It can take you on a frantic rollercoaster ride, or push you into a deep, dark cave.  People are afraid of many things, some with reason, some without....but everyone experiences fear.  Fear of failure has never been a problem of mine...probably because I've had much success.    I have a happy, beautiful family, an established career in a profession that I love, a nice home, and food on my table.  Yes, I have many things to be thankful for.  By starting something that takes huge risk, that challenges both your psyche and your physical being, that exposes your vulnerabilities to your peers and community....I now understand the fear of failure.

The debut show of our dance collaboration, "Red Bucket Dance Theatre" is the biggest step, artistically, that I've ever taken.  To say that it has put me on a rollercoaster ride of fear, is an understatement.  Any artistic endeavor that I've done previously, has been in safe, educational environments.  The adage that "the outcome is not as important as the process" has shielded me from harsh judgment or given me an escape clause if things didn't turn out successfully.  But there is no escape clause on this one....either we succeed or we fail....and there will be judgment, believe me.  Dancers know how to be critical.  So why put myself through such mental torture??  Because I'm an artist.  Deep down, I truly am.  And I don't know how else to be.  I have to show the world my deepest, darkest thoughts and my most intimate experiences so that I can release them from my being to feel sane.  I know, it sounds crazy, but sometimes I FEEL crazy.

I heard an interview with Johnny Depp recently that gave me some peace.  For those of you, that don't know me, Johnny Depp is the end-all, be-all!!! Shooo, that boy is fine!!!  Sorry, I digress.... He said "failure is something I don't fear, whether I fail or succeed, it is my experience, it's mine.  I own it."  So, I will leave you with that thought and a beautiful picture of the man who thought it :-)  Thanks for listening.

My Project

When I was a child, I had an innate ability to direct those around me.  I would climb up into our attic which had been converted into a playroom and create productions for hours: "The Strawberry Shortcake Show"  "Sesame Street's Disco Hour" "Land of the Lost meets George Jetson".   It wasn't until my third-grade of school that I actually produced something with a true audience.  Somehow I convinced my teacher, Mrs. Washington, that our class should have a talent show and perform for the whole school.  Amazingly, she let me do it.  She set aside time to let me create within the school day, and encouraged the other children to participate.  I performed several dances, directed some skits, and let other children have an opportunity to create something.  We performed for our entire school and our families.  What seems amazing to me now looking back, is what a tenacious child I was, and what a wonderful teacher I had in Mrs. Washington. 

Walking the tightrope

One of the things that I find most challenging as a mother and artist is finding balance between the two worlds. I often joke about being a Gemini and being torn between my two personalities. I've even facetiously given my alter-ego a name, "Lola". When I'm feeling overly temperamental or aggressive, I'll sometimes say, "Watch out, Lola's coming out with her bad self!!" But truthfully, the divide in my personality haunts me daily as I long to be the creative being I picture in my heart. So, as I change the 10th diaper for the day, wipe the kitchen table one more time, or referee the latest battle between my two tumultuous daughters, I often feel the guilt of my egocentric soul who secretly wishes to be dancing and singing the night away on the stage of the local opera house....Believe me, I know the joy of parenthood, of being a loving wife and a happy homemaker. I would never change a moment of what I have for anything...but balancing the two desires of my being is like walking a tightrope while holding a plate on each hand...the slightest bobble can lead to an emotional pitfall into the great unknown...