My New Year Toast

“I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticized me, I have already criticized myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me and I don't want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So I am going to stop being my own critic. It's high time that I accept all the great things about me.” ~ C. JoyBell C.


This just about sums up my world right now.  This quote by the contemporary writer and blogger, C. JoyBell C., hits the nail on the head firmly and squarely.  I've been beating myself up for way to long...and it is time to change my attitude and forgive myself for not being perfect <huge gasp>.  Or in fact, to embrace myself as being absolutely perfect...in my own unique, individual way: flawed, humble, and a little bit OCD. 
This past year has been one of the most challenging of my life.  The failure of a business and the stress of the economics of our times brought me to one of the lowest points that I've ever experienced.  Little Miss Perfectionist has had a difficult time processing all of these burst bubbles.  But the great thing about life is that just when you start becoming a little too self-absorbed, something or someone comes along that puts you in your place.  Only then does the epiphany transpire.  For me, there is such a sense of rebirth, a liberation; shedding the old skin and feeling the fresh, tender, regenerated self bursting forward.  I'm excited for this new phase of discovery and profoundly grateful for this sense of acceptance.  CARPE DIEM!
So a little note to my critics...I am absolutely a REAL person, not a fake one.  I don't know how to be any other way.  If I'm happy, you'll know it.  If I'm angry, you'll know it.  If I'm not talking, it is because I don't know how to.  Simply put.  It takes me time to process emotion, because it is all-consuming for me.  It is maddening, and exasperating, but it at least shows that I care....sometimes, way more than I should.  Those that truly love me don't judge me for this, and for that I feel truly blessed. I'm learning how not to judge others as well, which is easier said than done...hence, one of my flaws.  But now that I've been able to reach the other side of my epiphany, the world seems exciting and new.  So as we celebrate the festivities of the holidays and ring in the new year, I look forward to one with endless possibilities...like turning 40...Yikes!

CASHing in...

One of my main goals as a dance artist is to support and promote dance in my community.  I recently had the opportunity to perform in a local dance company production (the title of which is under wraps for the time being until rights are verifed by estate holders.)  This highly entertaining show was conceived and choreographed by Sunny Staton-Mitchell whom I've had the pleasure of working with previously at the Sacramento Ballet.  Though I only had a small part, I had a blast working with the other dancers and musicians who lent there talents in making the show a success.  This was a refreshing and fun adrenaline shot for my soul :-) Here are a few candid pictures of what transpired from a backstage perspective:

The messy ladies' dressing room

The costume rack.  We all love to wear red crinoline right?

 

Show order listed backstage...just in case...

 

 

Dancers waiting for an entrance

I'm the one in the flowered dress :-)

Peggy and I waiting offstage for our next scene...

The big Swing Dance number performed by such beautiful dancers!

After the Grand Ole' Opry number

Here I am with Peggy Lanza, another dancer that I reconnected 

with from way back in the day...small dance world!

Support dance in Sacramento!!  We have a vibrant and rich dance community here that could use more funding and recognition.  The more we help, the better the landscape...

That's a wrap, folks!

Musings...

Today, I'm going to talk about dance.  Why?  Because it helps me in the process of being an artist.  I know that this wonderful invention of blogging on the Internet is somehow therapeutic and also about networking, but it still terrifies me to write my real feelings out completely.  I've always been someone to put on a happy face.  I don't like the feeling of being sad.  Especially when you reveal your flaws or your darkness to the entire world to read.  It's frightening to think about.  So why do it?  I guess for me, it's a way to purge, to let the darkness go. So that I can move forward and feel more free.  How does this relate to dance?  Simply put, dance is every bit as liberating. It gets you out of your head and puts your focus back into your own body, allowing you to feel; the rhythm of your heartbeat, the strength of your muscles, the articulation of your bones, and the joy of your inner spirit.   I always feel better after I dance. 
When I was in my twenties, I was privileged enough to dance in a professional dance company for five years.  We were salaried employees, doing up to five different shows a year where each one ran for two weeks, dancing over 20 hours a week, and loving every minute of it.  The feeling of pushing your body to it's ultimate limits, the adrenaline, the endorphins, the sheer physical pain, is liberating and a huge high.  Not only that, the people that experience these feelings with you become your family. A dance family.  There are so many things that I shared with the people in that dance company.  I love them to this day...even if we didn't always get along or their habits drove me crazy.  I still feel that kindred spirit and I miss them terribly. 
The sadness I feel is that I so want another opportunity to be a part of a family like that.  A place to explore, and be creative.  I don't necessarily need to perform myself, but I would love to be around other artists that can challenge me and support me and accept me for who I am.  I just haven't found the right place or the right time.  So I continue on, alone.  And I guess I'm learning to be okay with that.  It's all part of the process, right?  I'm still living my life, as a mother and wife, a teacher, and a choreographer.  Someone said to me quite recently, "you don't have to be all things to all people".  I know this.  But having a place to belong as an artist doesn't seem like I'm asking too much, does it?  Always reaching for perfection...

This is a picture of Johnathan Cameron and myself...way back in the day :-)