Taking a hiatus to focus on "ME Time"

After two and a half years completing my Master's Degree and finishing up with three choreography projects in a row, it is time for me to take an artistic break for a while.  Living with that much stress has taken its toll on my health both physically and mentally.  I am ready to slow down a bit and have some personal life experience.  I want to do some exploring, reading, and nurturing of my soul.  I haven't been the friendliest person of late, and certainly not the most patient of wives or mothers.  One of the things I have learned after my latest bout of depression is that I have to take care of myself first.  But not only that, I have to LOVE myself first...meaning I deserve to focus on me.  I remember before my husband and my children, back during my college days, my entire day focused on what I wanted and dreamed about doing.  I would go to school, go to work, dance, take naps, read lots of novels, go out with friends, get massages, hang out at the river and go waterskiing...Oh to be young, a size 4 again, and single....
Once I met my husband all of that changed.  I need to be clear that that wasn't his fault in any way.  It just was my dysfunctional codependency making his needs and wants more important so that he would love me.  All the "ME Time" went by the wayside.
Does my husband love me?  Absolutely.  Twenty years have gone by and our love has grown and matured in so many ways after three children, a failed business endeavor, bankruptcy, and the death of loved ones.  But these stresses have torn me down mainly because I didn't take care of me in the process.  I now know that the most important thing is to take a little time out of everyday to nurture my body, mind, and soul.  Only then can I be the woman (mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, choreographer, and performer) that I truly want to be...someone who is gracious, loving, generous, giving, articulate, confident, and humble.
So that is my mission during my hiatus from project work right now...everyday I am going to do something that nurtures my mind, body, and soul.  So far, today, I worked out, I nested by cleaning my home, I spent time with each of my children, I laid on the couch and cuddled with my husband while watching our favorite TV show, I read a daily passage from my bible, I cooked my family a healthy and delicious dinner, and now I am sharing my thoughts here on this blog...hopefully, paying it forward to someone else who might find insight or comfort in my words.
I hope that any of you out there in Internet Land take time for yourself today, and learn that loving yourself first is what makes you the best person that you can be.

Here is my baby girl Angie and I, laying down for some cuddle time before bed. 

I love this little minx with all of my heart.

The Lunatic May Be in My Head, But She Lives on The Dark Side of the Moon.

Have you ever traveled to the dark side of the moon?  Luckily, my wonderful colleague Roberto Pomo and I did just that, along with over two dozen students and a fabulous design team as we brought the stage play Darkside to life.  What an amazing journey we have had producing this wonderful radio play by Sir Tom Stoppard as a theater, dance, and media extravaganza set to the historic album "The Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd.  This was the first time that the radio play has been produced in a full stage production and we had a blast inventing concepts and themes for the audience to view and explore.  We practically sold out every night, and had wonderful support from our entire department and community.  I feel truly blessed. Like any of my theater and dance adventures, I learn so much more during the process than I ever dream possible.

I learned that it takes a great deal of hard work, dedication and risk to form something out of nothing.  When no one else had staged something before you, the sky is the limit on what you can dream up, but it takes a lot of collaboration and compromise to actually make things work.

From the beginning, our set designer Ron Reisner had the vision of what the space would look like.  Us dancers struggled with it at first (yes, we complained a time or two) but by the end the creatures/dancers where climbing, jumping, and throwing themselves all around, up, and under every crevice of the moon.

Here is the fabulous costume designer Audrey Walker with several of her fabulous creations.  Her work was an inspiration to us all and the highlight of the show.

(Hope, Audrey, Josh, and Ty)

I learned that the fabulous things that you think up in your head sometimes mean blood, sweat, and tears for someone else.  I absolutely understand the risk I ask actors and dancers to take on stage and within the process.  It weighs on my mind heavily at times and has caused me many a sleepless night. I feel so blessed and appreciative that they are willing to partake in my madness.

Here is the fabulously talented Sean who was willing to don a space suit, change into a lizard, and climb into the great unknown of outer space both figuratively and literally.

(Sean climbing the rope, picture credit to Kristyn Conn)

I feel so blessed to have worked with such dedicated, talented, and genuinely good people on this project.  But truthfully, the moments where we cut loose and just had fun are seared most permanently on my heart and soul.  Oh the many times they made me laugh...what a ride...

The actors and dancers are always responsible for bringing the story to life.  Long hours of rehearsal can get a little punchy at times... but bring so much inspiration as well.  Here are dancers stepping in for the "Magic Mike Moment."  Made me blush every time I saw this number performed.  

(Ty, Matthew, and Hope)

Finally, I learned that my madness, anxiety, and doubt will always rear its ugly head within the process.  But having people around me who are patient, who don't judge me too harshly, and allow me to just be ME, unconditionally, are truly angels on earth.  And they have reminded me to look at the stars in the sky with wonderment...as they whisper softly, "it is okay to live on the dark side of the moon."

(Angel and Jessica, gazing at the stars. Sean and Josh dancing on the moon.)

Expanding My Focus

New blog name, new year, new outlook on life.  Four years into this artistic journey of blogging my thoughts and I have decided to revamp my purpose for blogging.  First and foremost, I love to write.  It helps me make sense of my world and allows me a venue for expression that is different than performing or choreographing.  However, I wanted to be able to expand on the focus of my writing on things other than just dance as I feel somewhat reborn.  I have a new energy, a new passion for the world around me and I would love to write about my experiences discovering new things.  So therefore a new look for the blog.  At the age of 43 I have come through a long, dark tunnel of depression and have a better understanding of my purpose on this earth.  I look forward to sharing these experiences and hopefully connecting with others about this crazy journey called life.  Happy Sunday everyone.  Mine is peaceful, happy, and thankfully full of rain as we desperately need it here in Northern California.  This is how I am spending my afternoon, trying to be a good professor...

I love how Mr. Potatohead Darth Vader is checking me out in this photo...quite the critic.