At the end of the day...

There comes a time in a woman's life where she has to choose between what is easy and what is necessary...

One of the things that I have come to understand about life is that it is never simple.  People will hurt you.  You will be treated less than you deserve.  You will have someone cheat on you.  You will have someone break your heart.  You will be lied to.  You will be abused.  You will be gossiped about.  You will be stolen from.  You will be accused unjustly.  You will be left.  You will be ostracized.  You will be misunderstood.

It is inevitable.  And it will probably be someone that you cared about who commits these offenses against you.  There will be nothing that you can do to stop them.  It is out of your control.  They may never admit that they have done anything wrong, and they certainly will never apologize.

However, you can choose to not be a victim.

A long time ago, I was the victim of abuse.

A dirty old man lured an innocent child into a dark room and did things that her innocent mind had never thought of.  His wife lay "sleeping" on a nearby couch.
The child felt violated.  She felt ashamed.  She felt like she never should have gone into that room.

I know now, that I was a child, and that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent what happened.  That the "man" was screwed up in the head.  And I actually was an innocent victim.
I walked into a room and didn't understand or comprehend what was about to happen.

For many years, I repressed my feelings about what happened.  Slowly and surely, when faced with moments of confrontation, I developed anxiety.  If you have ever had anxiety, you know that it is something that you cannot control.  Believe me, I would love to be able to stand up to someone in moments of confrontation without shaking or crying.  I try to be strong, but in reality I appear very weak.

Coming full circle.
The funny thing about the arts, is that they bring our emotions, our thoughts, and our darkest fears to the surface, sometimes without us knowing.  Who knew that trying to put my heart and soul into a collaborative project would make me feel so raw and exposed.  I naively walked into a dark room, and was confronted with many psychological demons.  I could not control the way people treated me...and yes there were moments where I was hurt, where I was treated less than I deserved, where I was cheated, where people broke my heart, where I was lied to, where I felt abused, where I was gossiped about, where I was stolen from, where I was accused unjustly, where I was left, where I was ostracized, and where I was misunderstood.  And for a brief moment...

I was the victim of my own tragedy....and I judged myself harshly for it.

But gloriously, after many eons of nights of soul searching, I will no longer be a victim.  I will no longer be a judge either, and I forgive myself for going into that room.  From here on out, I know that the rooms that I walk into may have people with good or bad intentions standing there.  But I am armed now as a Spiritual Warrior, safely shielded from any weapons that may be thrown at me.  For I have released all of the hurt and anger and fear, they do not control me now.  I am wrapped in a blanket of love.  Love for myself.

Nor will I be the villain in someone else's tragedy.   For I know now, that there may be other victims in that room with me, that I may not even know the depths of their pain.  I know that the choices that I make, the words that I use, and the environments that I help create can have profound affects on whomever is there beside me.  I choose to LOVE, and to FORGIVE, to HOPE, and to hopefully be a guiding light for others who may need me.  I will be guided by feelings of love and joy in the hopes of using my art to help others.  And hopefully we may all be healed.

At the end of the day, that is all that matters...that is all that is necessary...

  
 

Choosing your words

My middle child, my baby girl, has a mean girl bullying her at school.  You know the type, snarky remarks that are meant to prick at your self-esteem and make you feel small.  Every day there are comments about what my daughter wears or who she sits with. But the ones that hurt the most are the ones that Angie can't help...how she laughs, or the color of her hair.  As a parent, your first instinct is to go up to school and give that little twerp a piece of your mind.  My husband's idea is to teach Angie how to box...makes sense from the male perspective.  For now...I am letting things play out, trying to let Angie learn to defend herself in a more diplomatic way, through her words.

Thankfully that is the one thing that I don't worry about with Angie, she knows how to use her words.  She has always been quick-witted and first to verbally respond.  She is very sweet and nurturing, so she has lots of friends and appears to be quite popular among the other children.  Even so, it still hurts when someone picks at you, or points out things that they see as flaws. 

I know that with the media showing us violence in schools everyday and the anti-bullying campaign that has been installed in schools as a result, it is hard to just sit back and let things play out.  There is so much to worry about in today's society.  But somehow I instinctively know stepping in will teach Angie to be a victim, more than a warrior.  And I want her to be a warrior.  I want her to find her own power.  So for now, we talk about things.  I am glad that she tells me what is going on.  I ask her lots of questions.  I let her know that she is loved.  I make sure she knows that she can talk to her teacher about things, and that no one is allowed to lay hands on her and that she has a right to defend herself.  We talk a lot about the other girl and how she has special homework because her parents can't help her with the regular homework, and how the little girl struggles with school work.  We talk about how sometimes people make you feel small so that they feel big.  We talk about how tearing someone down is a sign that someone is very unhappy and doesn't like themselves.  We talk about words and the power that they hold, and how to protect ourselves from someone else's words.  I am glad that we can talk about it all...

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in his book, The Four Agreements, "BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD.  Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."

You never know as a parent, if you are doing things right...but if I can teach my daughter this one lesson...I know she will realize her inner warrior.  That she will be able to look any bully in the eye and see how in pain they are, and that she has the power to shield herself from words used as weapons. That LOVE will always win. 

I was never good with words.  The words always got stuck, building anxiety.  Dance became my way of expression.  Over time and with experience I have gradually learned that I have an inner warrior and was able to find my words. These experiences were often because of bullies, but I hold no anger towards these individuals now.  Situations come into your life that give you lessons, and I am so grateful that the bullies in my life helped me realize my own self-worth, even though it was painful at the time.  I hope that they have found peace.  I hope that they have felt love.  I hope that they have realized their own self-worth so that they never bully again.  For we all have the potential of being the bully.  It is how we choose to use our words that determine our character.   My daughter is learning to choose LOVE.  And I know that has more power than any words that someone could say to her. 

A Wonderful New Year

I have a confession.

Now don't judge too harshly...being the avid film addict that I am...

up until this year, sadly...

I had never seen It's A Wonderful Life.   I know, huge gasps are loudly expelling as you read this.  I have been completely un-American.  This movie is like Christmas gold.

But in my defense, a two and a half hour movie with no singing, dancing, animation, or slap-stick comedy was never very appealing to a child during the holiday season.  As an adult I have known for some time that it is one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time, but any time that it aired I would catch it somewhere in the middle and I absolutely will not watch a movie unless I see it from the very beginning.  This year I was determined to watch classic Christmas movies and dvr'd the film so I could watch it after the kiddos had gone to sleep one night.

No shocker here, but yes, the movie made me cry.  It is truly cinematic gold.  The tale of George Bailey, who regrets never living out his dreams and secret aspirations of glory, can touch all of us as we question the choices we have made in life.  The beauty of this film is witnessing the turmoil of this man who had the integrity and heart to make the right decisions, not the easy ones.  Who did what needed to be done in sacrifice of his own opportunities for money or fame.  In the end he finds that he is rich beyond compare with the love and gratitude from all of those around him.  WOW!  I think we all can learn from George Bailey.

As the year slowly winds down and the celebrations towards a new year begin to unfold, I am pondering things in my life right now.  What will the future hold for me?  What life changes need to be made?  How have I affected the lives of those around me?  Have I been a good person?  Have I shown enough love?

Oh I know all of the New Year's resolutions are about to be decided... and the fitness industry wants all of us to join gyms and try to fulfill our narcissistic tendencies...I am just as guilty as anyone on that count.  But growth and life experiences have changed my focus to more spiritual healing.  I want to resolve to be my best self.  Simple.  Do what is right, and not what is easy.  The truth is, I have been trying to run away from egotistical, bad behavior as I was ashamed of my own part in it.  But pointing the finger at bad behavior does nothing to change it.  You have to DO better.  You have to BE better.  So learning from George Bailey...fame and glory aren't real.  Relationships are real.  The way we treat each other is real.

You may never know if you have changed someone's life in a good way or not, but it will certainly give you a sense of peace knowing that you tried.

Like Frank Capra's epic film, my New Year's resolution is to live a wonderful life.  I hope that we can all do better in the new year.  Much love to all.