Coming Full Circle - finding Yin and Yang

There once was this little dance piece that I created called "Yang."  I remember being at the audition for the yearly faculty dance concert at the University and seeing this group of men at the audition, the most men that we had had at an audition in a long time.  As I walked into the audition, I did not have any idea what piece I wanted to create which is somewhat unusual for me as I am a person who usually thinks about an idea or inspiration for months to a year before I get into the studio.  But somehow seeing those men warming up made hairs rise on the back of my neck and I knew in that moment that an all-male piece was what I was suppose to create. 

Creating the piece was a bit of a challenge, as the set pieces came late in the process and the physicality of the piece was somewhat trial and error (I am very girlie-girl, so this was a whole new way of thinking about movement for me).  The men were very open and receptive and I remember them trying so hard to give me the vision that I wanted.  Sadly, the piece had to be pulled from the show after opening night due to an injury.  This was one of the saddest moments of my career.  I was devastated, and so were they.  It was no one's fault, it was just kismet.  Somehow the stars aligned and the universe decided that it wasn't time for this work to be completed.  I remember feeling so bad that I had somehow created this failed experience for the students, but they were lovely as we consoled each other. 

Fast-forwarding to the present, 4 years later, we just closed the show for the annual faculty concert and my baby "Yang" was just put safely to rest, having brilliantly made its appearance in completion.  The dancers were amazing.  Dedicated.  Open.  Loving.  I feel so blessed and grateful.  It is as if these past four years were suppose to happen the way they did so that I could experience this pure joy and contentment. 

Yes, the failure of the first attempt at "Yang" was the beginning of a very tumultuous number of years for my personal and professional growth as I worked in the community trying to build a company with colleagues, and I have struggled with the pain of psychological wounds that were inflicted.  I even took a break from choreographing at the University as I still have some anxiety walking into the dance space now.  But I somehow knew that my first piece after my healing break, had to be "Yang."  I had to heal that wound because I believed in the piece fully and knew that it deserved another chance. The experience was amazing.  It was fun, exhilarating, powerful, and healing.  It reaffirmed my instincts that the dance space is sacred.  That there is no room for ego or negative energy, that it is a place to create art and allow each of us to explore without judgement.  It is fragile, and should be approached with the utmost reverence.  

Coming full circle has shown me that the lessons of these past years have helped me get to this point.  I feel content and excited for my next adventure.  I wish nothing but the best for all of my dance community in their future endeavors.  I am at peace, and I hope in their hearts, they are as well.  After all, there has to be balance in the world of Yin and Yang in order to find peace.  Three of the original cast members were able to see the piece as they are locally working as dance artists, and they each spoke about how happy they were to see it in completion.  The other three dancers are scattered across the world pursuing their dreams as dancers.  I send them much love, I miss them.  Thank you, to my second cast of dancers.  You have no idea how much you have helped this crazy Mama find herself again, and to own her own madness as absolutely beautiful.  Much love to you all!

My son Zane laying down with all of the gifts from my dancers.

Just keep swimming

I TURNED IN MY GRADUATE PROPOSAL!!!  Woohoo!  High fives are commencing all around.  It has been a confusing, emotional, and sometimes frustrating process to even get to the point of submitting the dang thing, and the most difficult part of writing the thesis hasn't even begun yet.  This is not because of the Graduate program, it is mainly because of my own ability to overload myself with too many things: Mother, Wife, Teacher, Choreographer, Daughter, Sister, Friend, PTO President, and now Student.  It is hard to keep all of those balls juggling in the air. 

As I have been on the journey of a Graduate Student now for over a year, it has been wonderful to step out of my "artistic box" and challenge myself in new ways.  I have learned so much about myself and how I relate to people.  I have met new friends and been inspired to be the best person that I can be.  It is amazing how new environments can refresh your soul.   When live gets you down, you just keep on swimming...

Not a great picture, but here is my proposal, along with my messy desk.

The tiara is not mine, nor the frisbee, alas...the life of a Mom in school.

Another Cinematic Moment...

What do you do when you are on the other side, when you have crossed the abyss?  How do you feel? How do you behave? How do you react?  How do you take the tentative steps to move forward?

There are times in our lives when we experience transformation, when we have faced our demons and have come out alive...times when we have painfully grown up or survived an unexpected, jarring experience.

As an avid reader and movie fanatic, I often relate my own personal experiences in life to my favorite stories on film. In fact, as I create choreography I often refer to moments in films as sources of inspiration for certain movements or feelings.  Life to me, is like one giant MOVIE.

The cinematic moment that keeps coming to mind right now is a scene from one of my favorite films, Shawshank Redemption, regarding Andy Dufresne, "who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."  Like Andy standing in that river with rain pouring down on him, arms held up and stretched wide, we are awakened to a new sense of of our own being.  We are free.  Finally, free.  Andy walked out of that river and took ownership of his life.  He took control of the situation and let justice be served.

I think what is beautiful about Stephen King's writing of this character is that as long as Andy stayed in the prison, he reciprocated the criminal behavior even though he wasn't a criminal in the first place.  He allowed the prison to control him.  He did what he had to do to survive. Though he truthfully found meaningful relationships and understood the goodness of the people who were also trapped inside the prison, which made him regret leaving them behind, he understood that if he continued to stay he would lose himself in there. 

I think there are times in our lives where we are all stuck in our own prisons.  There are times where we compromise our beliefs or our boundaries in order to function in the environment we are in.  Maybe it is because we desperately want to survive, or maybe it is because there is something that we desperately want to have, or some image or lifestyle that we want to be a part of.  Does it mean that we create that environment?  Maybe, maybe not.  But by choosing to stay in it, we definitely will always feel the turmoil of our inner struggle with our own character.  When Andy decided to finally leave, he faced crawling through 500 yards of sewage to reach freedom.  What a metaphor. 

But he did it, and he SURVIVED.  As he walked away he took his integrity and his self-worth with him.  I like to believe that he was a better person on the outside afterwards.  That he wasn't so absorbed with the fictitious drive for money, status, and higher-class and that maybe he saw people differently.  I would like to think that we all can come out of our own prisons more generous and more caring, but most importantly, with more understanding of our own self-worth.

So what do we do once we have crossed the abyss?  "We get busy living, or get busy dying."  Oh...and we remember "that hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Or maybe we just watch Shawshank Redemption...

Andy Dufresne