When Stepping Back is the The Best Choice in Your Awkward Social Dance

I have been on "hiatus", taking a step back from dance for awhile.  My heart still feels a little soar when I think about it, but I know it is the right decision for me right now.  I am learning to trust my instincts and to embrace the vacation.  It is interesting when you start to focus on what you need, and not what everyone else thinks about your art; or you choose to not get sucked into whatever adrenaline-addicted train you ride when you are trying to "prove yourself" as an artist.  It has been nice to just be the observer; kind of like watching other couples dance on the ballroom floor.  You start to notice things that you have never even thought about before.  The way the man pushes the woman gently to make the next turn...or the way she resists...or the slow turn that suspends the arc of the glittery costume fringe are all quite interesting moments... As I watch, I can feel wounds healing though some scars are still sensitive. I have cried a lot, watching others dance...which is good, because the artists have moved me. I still enjoy seeing dancers lose themselves in the moment. The passion.  It will always be there.

I want to make sure that I state out loud that I am not giving up.  That I still am a choreographer and dance professional. I still have dreams and ideas.  I just know that I haven't found the right time in the music to step back on the dance floor.  I have taken a few awkward attempts.  But it still feels like I'm stuttering, tripping over my own two feet... so I know it is not quite time yet.

Yes, I have learned many new things while stepping back...

To enjoy the moments of silence...

And to not live in fear...

Life is filled with beautifully awkward moments, if you take the time to notice the details...and enjoy the other dancers on the dance floor.

from Strictly Ballroom (1992)

Change is good.

Change is upon us.

I can feel it in the air.  It is a new excitement, a new surge of energy.  And it has come upon me with great force <camera focuses in for extreme close-up right now>.

It almost feels like that brief few seconds after you jump out of an airplane, when the sense of falling is upon you. You are flailing your arms and legs trying to grab a hold of something, your senses acute with your surroundings, as if your primal instinct has taken over.  Soon that feeling of falling disappears and you find yourself flying, soaring through the sky like superman. It is an amazing moment. I encourage everyone to try skydiving at least once in their lifetime.

These feelings of excitement are how I know that my artistic juices are beginning to flow.  Ideas, colors, sounds, images are starting to appear, swimming around me like leaves in a whirlwind.  It feels good, and it makes me feel happy; aka "normal". For the first time in two years I feel like creating art again. 

And for the first time in two years, the energy is coming from a place of peace and acceptance.  Not anger or animosity.

I feel like a survivor. When you find the beach that leads to civilization after floating on a raft in the vast, dark ocean for two years, the only thing that matters is that you made it out alive.  I am just grateful to be here...like finding my feet on the ground after jumping out of that airplane.

I went into the studio this weekend, and started to work again.  I gathered a few gentle souls whom I love and started to get my hands dirty. It felt good.  And I'm just going to leave it at that.  Allowing myself to feel good.

<3


Skydiving was my birthday gift from my hubby on my 25th Birthday.  Amazing experience.

Nutcracker time!

Yes, it is that time of year again...  Nutcracker time.  That means a zillion different dance studios doing their various interpretations of Tchaikovsky's classic Ballet, or Gene Kelly inspired Holiday Recitals, or if you are bored, you can sit back and people-watch at your local mall an improvisation of frantic shoppers performing to a barrage of Christmas tunes as they push and shove their way towards their next purchase.  For those of us old enough to remember Mikhail Baryshnikov dancing in the American Ballet Theatre's television special of the Nutcracker, there will never be another version to compare with what my 5 year-old heart witnessed.  But I think that is the point really.  Our first viewing of the Nutcracker is magical.  And the first time you get to dance in the Nutcracker is beyond magical.  The Nutcracker Ballet is a tradition that exemplifies the real magic of the Christmas season, as seen through the eyes of a child.   I was so blessed this year to be able to share that experience with my daughters at their own little dance studio...creating traditions of our own.  Happy Holidays everyone!  And much love to you into the New Year.  I hope that it is a good one.