Riding the pendulum

Being a dance teacher is something that has taken me many years of practice, and only started as something that I begrudgingly did to pay the bills while I was chasing the dragon of fame...."Fame" being the next gig that's suppose to get you closer to being rich.  And everyone knows that rich people have no problems, right?  Wahwah.  But it is such a self-esteem high when you've nailed that next gig...and you experience such lows when you don't.  And let's face it, the high you get from performing is intensely addicting.

As the top of the ladder to rich and famous became increasingly higher and out of reach, I soon discovered that teaching filled that low self-esteem void and gave me a sense of importance.  That my students were looking to me for guidance and that I somehow had knowledge that they didn't...wow.  Definitely a self-esteem booster... and somehow I was still performing, on a daily basis, for my students, keeping them entertained and maintaining their interest.   They were there for ME.  They were like my younger siblings who I could guide on the right path, making me the cool teacher.  I was hip and edgy.  Such a feeling of power that gives you, being popular. 


But along the way, my perception started to change...it became less about me...and more about them.  I truly fell in love with TEACHING.  Not only that, I began to understand the responsibility of teaching correctly...I wanted to give them the best knowledge possible.  To know the vocabulary and anatomy, to keep abreast of the latest trends.  To help them achieve their greatest potential both as a dancer and as a person.  My role changed from older sibling to Mother...nurturing them, boosting their egos, giving them everything that I had in order to send them out into the world.  The pendulum had swung to the opposite direction... I was there for them...

It's funny.  That pendulum...how it never stops in the middle.  It just keeps swinging back and forth, like a metronome...ticking away...tick, tock, like a clock.  Time is passing on...

And still there is that low self-esteem void that I'm trying to fill....

I think back to how I perceived my own teachers along the way...some of them were the cool, edgy older sibling type...I looked up to them and wanted to do anything they asked of me. The motherly/fatherly type...they had such wisdom and concern for my future...

But there were negatives as well...the older sibling types were often unorganized and dramatic/moody as hell, really.  The motherly/fatherly types often seemed out of touch or controlling, holding you back from spreading your wings...and somehow...that pendulum keeps swinging.

I'm afraid that I'm getting tired...because that void seems to be bigger now...and I wonder whether I am successful at teaching anything...oh the movement, the vocabulary is there, and we are all still going through the motions, pretending to dance in sync...but what is it that I'm really suppose to be teaching??  Why do I feel so disconnected and that every intention I have is misunderstood?  What is the next phase for me? 

I think about Martha Graham who devoted her whole life to dance.  She performed until she was 76 years old, and was working on choreography until the day she died at 96.  How did she do it?  How did she keep the enthusiasm and drive when she had to feel herself aging, becoming more and more out of touch? 

"No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others." 
~ Martha Graham

So I'm try to put one foot in front of the other and I'm trying to march forward...into the great unknown...still waiting to feel more alive...

Martha Graham by Yousuf Karsh (1948)

Climbing out of the well...

It has been a year since I decided to walk away from the dance company; to walk away from one of my dreams.  The decision was one of the hardest that I ever had to make.  The emotions and phases of grief that have come over me in waves during this past year have affected every relationship I have, both at work and at home.  My family and friends have been truly patient and rallied around me in support.  My heart swells with love unbound for them. 

The final phase of grief for me took the longest.  Anger.  I have been so angry for quite some time...

"And I fall into that spiral of anger, frustration, and endless questioning, feeling my energy getting dragged down and down. I want to crawl into my hermit-y, safe shell and hide, and resolve in the fact that people are screwed up, and nature is ultimately in control, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wallow and whine about how no one’s doing anything about it." ~ Tiny Buddha

Exactly.  It is like falling down a well that you can't get out of...

I understand now the phrase that you have to let go of anger or it will eat you up inside.  I have always considered myself an open person; happy emotions and energy flow from me like a beacon of light.  But I realize that you have to be much braver to have confrontation, to allow anger to flow from you openly; as people don't necessarily judge you when you emote happy thoughts.  When you spout feelings of anger or frustration, people respond back with the same.  And I've always been afraid of having someone be angry with me.  It is a deep-routed fear that has finally caught up with me... I can not live my life in fear anymore.

To be pushed into a dark closet, figuratively, to be shut down, to be brought down in the process and judged in the creation of your artwork is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To be labelled as crazy, over-reactive, or dramatic for expressing valid feelings is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To disrespect me as an artistic director is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To disrespect me as a friend is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To refuse to communicate with me and to push me away as if I am not a worthy human being is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To place yourself as the victim and me as the villain is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  The fact that the only outlet I have to express these emotions in such a dysfunctional relationship is to write them down in this blog is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.

HA!

...

There.

I feel much better now.  <Deep Breath In>

I have worked my way through this grief, not always with dignity or grace.  I have struggled with the choice to share these feelings online or not, but ultimately my hope is by sharing that healing will commence.  That maybe by being expressive and communicating I can move forward, trying to be a more open person.   I hope that I am not judged for it, rather that someone reading may identify with these thoughts and feelings within themselves.  Don't be afraid to stand up and shout to the rooftops if necessary!  I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! 

I have learned to accept myself for all of my flaws.  And I hope that being open and honest is not one of them.  I have grown as a person, a wife, and as a mother during this process. That is the funny thing, when work and dance are surrounded by the worst turmoil and conflict for me, my relationships with my family become the strongest.  My husband is incredible and has proven his devotion throughout this last year.  It has been a difficult year for him as well as he has been out of work.  My husband and I have clung to each other, protecting and supporting each other as we whether these storms of adversity.  I am truly blessed. 

So I have learned many lessons this year.  I see myself and those around me with greater clarity.  And I am moving forward...growing and learning.  I am much stronger and have proven to myself that I can climb out of this well...and the view coming out is spectacular...the world is a beautiful place to explore. 

Do you have what it takes?

One of my favorite television shows that I like to watch with my girls is Project Runway.  Angie, my fashionista, enjoys it probably a little more than Gwendolyn who considers herself more the "sporty-girl".   But I enjoy watching them as they look at the designs that the contestants create and then critique them like they are serious art critics.  Fashion is high-art after all.  Something about the show resonates with me as you witness these passionate, ambitious designers trying to discover and strengthen their artistic voices while being riddled with competition and harsh criticism.  My favorite quote from tonight's episode is when one of the judges says of a contestant, "but she has tenacity and you need that in this business, especially when everyone around you is judging you at all times."

BINGO!

That's been my struggle of late.  Feeling like the whole world is judging me at all times.  It can take you to a very dark place, especially when you feel like you have no friends.  But this particular contestant to whom the judge was referring used those dark feelings whenever she was faced with criticism and created her next design with more determination.  Each time she did, she felt stronger.  That, is inspirational to me...Highly Inspirational...