Riding the pendulum

Being a dance teacher is something that has taken me many years of practice, and only started as something that I begrudgingly did to pay the bills while I was chasing the dragon of fame...."Fame" being the next gig that's suppose to get you closer to being rich.  And everyone knows that rich people have no problems, right?  Wahwah.  But it is such a self-esteem high when you've nailed that next gig...and you experience such lows when you don't.  And let's face it, the high you get from performing is intensely addicting.

As the top of the ladder to rich and famous became increasingly higher and out of reach, I soon discovered that teaching filled that low self-esteem void and gave me a sense of importance.  That my students were looking to me for guidance and that I somehow had knowledge that they didn't...wow.  Definitely a self-esteem booster... and somehow I was still performing, on a daily basis, for my students, keeping them entertained and maintaining their interest.   They were there for ME.  They were like my younger siblings who I could guide on the right path, making me the cool teacher.  I was hip and edgy.  Such a feeling of power that gives you, being popular. 


But along the way, my perception started to change...it became less about me...and more about them.  I truly fell in love with TEACHING.  Not only that, I began to understand the responsibility of teaching correctly...I wanted to give them the best knowledge possible.  To know the vocabulary and anatomy, to keep abreast of the latest trends.  To help them achieve their greatest potential both as a dancer and as a person.  My role changed from older sibling to Mother...nurturing them, boosting their egos, giving them everything that I had in order to send them out into the world.  The pendulum had swung to the opposite direction... I was there for them...

It's funny.  That pendulum...how it never stops in the middle.  It just keeps swinging back and forth, like a metronome...ticking away...tick, tock, like a clock.  Time is passing on...

And still there is that low self-esteem void that I'm trying to fill....

I think back to how I perceived my own teachers along the way...some of them were the cool, edgy older sibling type...I looked up to them and wanted to do anything they asked of me. The motherly/fatherly type...they had such wisdom and concern for my future...

But there were negatives as well...the older sibling types were often unorganized and dramatic/moody as hell, really.  The motherly/fatherly types often seemed out of touch or controlling, holding you back from spreading your wings...and somehow...that pendulum keeps swinging.

I'm afraid that I'm getting tired...because that void seems to be bigger now...and I wonder whether I am successful at teaching anything...oh the movement, the vocabulary is there, and we are all still going through the motions, pretending to dance in sync...but what is it that I'm really suppose to be teaching??  Why do I feel so disconnected and that every intention I have is misunderstood?  What is the next phase for me? 

I think about Martha Graham who devoted her whole life to dance.  She performed until she was 76 years old, and was working on choreography until the day she died at 96.  How did she do it?  How did she keep the enthusiasm and drive when she had to feel herself aging, becoming more and more out of touch? 

"No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others." 
~ Martha Graham

So I'm try to put one foot in front of the other and I'm trying to march forward...into the great unknown...still waiting to feel more alive...

Martha Graham by Yousuf Karsh (1948)