On the Bandwagon

Yes, I've finally joined the bandwagon. I just finished the Hunger Games trilogy and enjoyed it immensely.  It wasn't as good as the Harry Potter series, but definitely better than Twilight.  I'm super excited to see the movie now!  I definitely feel like camping in the woods after reading it and want to lower my caloric intake to 500 calories a day just so I can whoop some ass with a bow and arrow!  Girls rule!

In the Dark

According to the Webster Dictionary, the definition of "reinvent" reads as follows:

1 : to make as if for the first time something already invented <reinvent the wheel>

2 : to remake or redo completely

3 : to bring into use again 

Hmmmmm, sounds daunting.   But this is where I find myself.  In somewhat of a mid-life crisis.  Who would of thunk it?  I'm only 39...There are many things that I do not know...but a couple that I do.  For the past 35 years, my life has been consumed by dance...the love of my life, really.  I've always known that I had to be a part of it somehow.  It has been a journey through twisting and turning roads and sometimes along precarious cliffs...but now I find myself in a tunnel, and it's pitch black.  I can't even see my hand in front of my face, and I'm trying to feel my way.  I keep reaching out to people I think are there, but no one materializes.  It scares me to death.  I've never known life without dance, or at least, not that I can remember.  But something keeps speaking to me in the dark, a voice saying "reinvention, reinvention".  Who is it? And what does it mean?   

When I was a little girl, my mother signed me up through a children's talent agency.  I was sent on several auditions for films, commercials and equity-stage opportunities.  During each audition, I became so overwhelmed with fear that I would freeze up and start crying uncontrollably.  Could you imagine?  The directors, assistants, and other important adults on busy time schedules all standing around looking at me with contempt and annoyance.  My parents would become exasperated, not knowing what to do.  This made me cry even more, feeling guilty for embarrassing them and disappointing them.  I hated those long rides home in our family car.  There was one final call from the talent agency, for an opportunity for another audition.  My mother tersely said no, we weren't interested in auditioning anymore and hung up the phone.  I begged and begged for her to let me try, that I could do it...but she said no.  And that was that.  To this day, I don't do well in auditions. 

I'm not sure why this memory speaks to me while I'm in the tunnel...but it does.  I often wonder if I would have done well in that audition or if I would have cried again, or if I would have miraculously gotten the job?  These things I'll never know.  I don't like being in the tunnel, unsure of what's there and what's not....but I can't see the opening yet.  I'm still trying to feel my way...

The lesson to be learned...

Choreographer, teacher, mentor, director.  All of those titles are positions that I feel truly blessed to be called.  I LOVE what I do for a living.  I love the feeling of creating choreography that feels pure and expressive.  I cherish the moments when I teach someone about dance and open their eyes to something that they've never experienced before.  And the feeling of mentoring a fellow artist helps me feel humble about my craft.  Directing is something that is new and exciting to me; and definitely a work in progress.
I think back to the choreographers, teachers, mentors, and directors who I had the pleasure of working with in my education in dance, and feel truly grateful.  Not only for all the things that they taught me about dance and life in general, but also for putting me in my place when I thought that I knew more than them.  Because that is truly the moment that needs to be learned....how not to be arrogant. 
I think back to myself as a young dancer, when I felt stifled and held back by a teacher or director.  I remember those moments of frustration, thinking "why don't we do this instead?" or "why are we having to do this?"  The truth of the matter is, I was completely missing the point.  There is a hierarchy in dance for a reason and learning from your master and honoring their position is what makes you a better dancer and future choreographer, teacher, mentor or director.  Because people don't want to work around arrogance.  They want to work in a loving and nurturing environment where they feel accepted.  So opening yourself up to others ideas of what dance is and fully committing to let them guide you is what is important; staying humble, and appreciative.  For the master who loves will teach his children to love...