In the Dark

According to the Webster Dictionary, the definition of "reinvent" reads as follows:

1 : to make as if for the first time something already invented <reinvent the wheel>

2 : to remake or redo completely

3 : to bring into use again 

Hmmmmm, sounds daunting.   But this is where I find myself.  In somewhat of a mid-life crisis.  Who would of thunk it?  I'm only 39...There are many things that I do not know...but a couple that I do.  For the past 35 years, my life has been consumed by dance...the love of my life, really.  I've always known that I had to be a part of it somehow.  It has been a journey through twisting and turning roads and sometimes along precarious cliffs...but now I find myself in a tunnel, and it's pitch black.  I can't even see my hand in front of my face, and I'm trying to feel my way.  I keep reaching out to people I think are there, but no one materializes.  It scares me to death.  I've never known life without dance, or at least, not that I can remember.  But something keeps speaking to me in the dark, a voice saying "reinvention, reinvention".  Who is it? And what does it mean?   

When I was a little girl, my mother signed me up through a children's talent agency.  I was sent on several auditions for films, commercials and equity-stage opportunities.  During each audition, I became so overwhelmed with fear that I would freeze up and start crying uncontrollably.  Could you imagine?  The directors, assistants, and other important adults on busy time schedules all standing around looking at me with contempt and annoyance.  My parents would become exasperated, not knowing what to do.  This made me cry even more, feeling guilty for embarrassing them and disappointing them.  I hated those long rides home in our family car.  There was one final call from the talent agency, for an opportunity for another audition.  My mother tersely said no, we weren't interested in auditioning anymore and hung up the phone.  I begged and begged for her to let me try, that I could do it...but she said no.  And that was that.  To this day, I don't do well in auditions. 

I'm not sure why this memory speaks to me while I'm in the tunnel...but it does.  I often wonder if I would have done well in that audition or if I would have cried again, or if I would have miraculously gotten the job?  These things I'll never know.  I don't like being in the tunnel, unsure of what's there and what's not....but I can't see the opening yet.  I'm still trying to feel my way...