Climbing out of the well...

It has been a year since I decided to walk away from the dance company; to walk away from one of my dreams.  The decision was one of the hardest that I ever had to make.  The emotions and phases of grief that have come over me in waves during this past year have affected every relationship I have, both at work and at home.  My family and friends have been truly patient and rallied around me in support.  My heart swells with love unbound for them. 

The final phase of grief for me took the longest.  Anger.  I have been so angry for quite some time...

"And I fall into that spiral of anger, frustration, and endless questioning, feeling my energy getting dragged down and down. I want to crawl into my hermit-y, safe shell and hide, and resolve in the fact that people are screwed up, and nature is ultimately in control, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wallow and whine about how no one’s doing anything about it." ~ Tiny Buddha

Exactly.  It is like falling down a well that you can't get out of...

I understand now the phrase that you have to let go of anger or it will eat you up inside.  I have always considered myself an open person; happy emotions and energy flow from me like a beacon of light.  But I realize that you have to be much braver to have confrontation, to allow anger to flow from you openly; as people don't necessarily judge you when you emote happy thoughts.  When you spout feelings of anger or frustration, people respond back with the same.  And I've always been afraid of having someone be angry with me.  It is a deep-routed fear that has finally caught up with me... I can not live my life in fear anymore.

To be pushed into a dark closet, figuratively, to be shut down, to be brought down in the process and judged in the creation of your artwork is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To be labelled as crazy, over-reactive, or dramatic for expressing valid feelings is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To disrespect me as an artistic director is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To disrespect me as a friend is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To refuse to communicate with me and to push me away as if I am not a worthy human being is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  To place yourself as the victim and me as the villain is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.  The fact that the only outlet I have to express these emotions in such a dysfunctional relationship is to write them down in this blog is absolutely wrong and I have a right to be angry about it.

HA!

...

There.

I feel much better now.  <Deep Breath In>

I have worked my way through this grief, not always with dignity or grace.  I have struggled with the choice to share these feelings online or not, but ultimately my hope is by sharing that healing will commence.  That maybe by being expressive and communicating I can move forward, trying to be a more open person.   I hope that I am not judged for it, rather that someone reading may identify with these thoughts and feelings within themselves.  Don't be afraid to stand up and shout to the rooftops if necessary!  I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! 

I have learned to accept myself for all of my flaws.  And I hope that being open and honest is not one of them.  I have grown as a person, a wife, and as a mother during this process. That is the funny thing, when work and dance are surrounded by the worst turmoil and conflict for me, my relationships with my family become the strongest.  My husband is incredible and has proven his devotion throughout this last year.  It has been a difficult year for him as well as he has been out of work.  My husband and I have clung to each other, protecting and supporting each other as we whether these storms of adversity.  I am truly blessed. 

So I have learned many lessons this year.  I see myself and those around me with greater clarity.  And I am moving forward...growing and learning.  I am much stronger and have proven to myself that I can climb out of this well...and the view coming out is spectacular...the world is a beautiful place to explore. 

Do you have what it takes?

One of my favorite television shows that I like to watch with my girls is Project Runway.  Angie, my fashionista, enjoys it probably a little more than Gwendolyn who considers herself more the "sporty-girl".   But I enjoy watching them as they look at the designs that the contestants create and then critique them like they are serious art critics.  Fashion is high-art after all.  Something about the show resonates with me as you witness these passionate, ambitious designers trying to discover and strengthen their artistic voices while being riddled with competition and harsh criticism.  My favorite quote from tonight's episode is when one of the judges says of a contestant, "but she has tenacity and you need that in this business, especially when everyone around you is judging you at all times."

BINGO!

That's been my struggle of late.  Feeling like the whole world is judging me at all times.  It can take you to a very dark place, especially when you feel like you have no friends.  But this particular contestant to whom the judge was referring used those dark feelings whenever she was faced with criticism and created her next design with more determination.  Each time she did, she felt stronger.  That, is inspirational to me...Highly Inspirational...

Focus

Focus
1. To converge on or toward a central point of focus; be focused.
2. To adjust one's vision or an optical device so as to render a clear, distinct image.
3. To concentrate attention or energy: a campaign that focused on economic issues.

One of the tools a dancer can use in composition is Focus, drawing the dancers viewpoint (and ultimately, the audience's) to a particular place on the stage.  In life, we have a focal point as well; the thing that we point our energy towards.  This can be a person or a group of people, a career, or in some cases an addiction.  Focusing can be goal-oriented or self-destructive depending on how you use your time and energy.  I find that for the past year now, my ability to focus on details is decreasing significantly.  I find it harder and harder to pinpoint what is meaningful in situations I encounter, in fact I question practically everything about other people's motivations and intentions like some paranoid delusion.  I've begun to think that I truly have ADHD to some degree.  

When I was twenty years old, my boyfriend of 5 years decided that he wanted to date other people.  I was completely devastated.  Not because I loved him desperately...I don't know if a 15 or 16 year-old really knows what love is...but because the idea up in my head of "true love" and "happily ever after" and "what every princess deserves" wasn't going to happen.  I felt like my entire world and how I perceived life was turned completely upside down.  Forget about the fact that he really was a jerk, a liar, and a cheat who didn't deserve a single ounce of my precious love...but all I could think about for months to a year was the heartache and devastation of my "teenage dream"...<background music of Katy Perry's song can be inserted now>  It's as if my head couldn't think clearly, while my heart was broken...

So in trying to focus on what is the best path ahead for me, a central point of focus; so that I can render a clear, distinct image of myself as my BEST self; and concentrate my attention and energy on the people who mean the most in my life and truly enjoy the process...I must take my heart off of my sleeve, put it safely in my chest, cover it with my suit of armor so that I can think clearly and THEN I'll be able to focus on what's important and meaningful in any given situation???  Oy Vay!