Focus

Focus
1. To converge on or toward a central point of focus; be focused.
2. To adjust one's vision or an optical device so as to render a clear, distinct image.
3. To concentrate attention or energy: a campaign that focused on economic issues.

One of the tools a dancer can use in composition is Focus, drawing the dancers viewpoint (and ultimately, the audience's) to a particular place on the stage.  In life, we have a focal point as well; the thing that we point our energy towards.  This can be a person or a group of people, a career, or in some cases an addiction.  Focusing can be goal-oriented or self-destructive depending on how you use your time and energy.  I find that for the past year now, my ability to focus on details is decreasing significantly.  I find it harder and harder to pinpoint what is meaningful in situations I encounter, in fact I question practically everything about other people's motivations and intentions like some paranoid delusion.  I've begun to think that I truly have ADHD to some degree.  

When I was twenty years old, my boyfriend of 5 years decided that he wanted to date other people.  I was completely devastated.  Not because I loved him desperately...I don't know if a 15 or 16 year-old really knows what love is...but because the idea up in my head of "true love" and "happily ever after" and "what every princess deserves" wasn't going to happen.  I felt like my entire world and how I perceived life was turned completely upside down.  Forget about the fact that he really was a jerk, a liar, and a cheat who didn't deserve a single ounce of my precious love...but all I could think about for months to a year was the heartache and devastation of my "teenage dream"...<background music of Katy Perry's song can be inserted now>  It's as if my head couldn't think clearly, while my heart was broken...

So in trying to focus on what is the best path ahead for me, a central point of focus; so that I can render a clear, distinct image of myself as my BEST self; and concentrate my attention and energy on the people who mean the most in my life and truly enjoy the process...I must take my heart off of my sleeve, put it safely in my chest, cover it with my suit of armor so that I can think clearly and THEN I'll be able to focus on what's important and meaningful in any given situation???  Oy Vay!

Taking criticism

One of the attributes that defines being an artist of any kind is knowing how to take criticism.  You receive it from everywhere; from family and friends, artistic peers, media critics, students, mentors, and from your own twisted psyche.  Putting art out into the world to be judged when all art comes from a personal point of view is part of the deal.  You have to suck it up and get over it.  Sounds harsh but is truly a reality if you want to work in any artistic field.

Learning to take criticism is a work in progress for me.  My brother would facetiously call me Mary Poppins as a child because I had to be "practically perfect in every way".   I took criticism as a personal flaw that I had to fix immediately, understanding now, that I was a little girl that desperately wanted to be loved.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that my oversensitivity is my deepest vulnerability and also what makes my artistic point of view.  I call it the curse.

There comes a point in life when every thing comes full circle, as my daughter Gwendolyn has inherited the curse.   Watching her struggle through tears, punishing herself for her imperfections is heartbreaking to watch.  As I reach out, and envelop her in a hug telling her that I love her deeply no matter what, I sigh...as I'm hugging the little girl inside myself and learning to let go...

Choosing a path

Are you a planner?  Do you try and map out your life in a particular direction?  Goal oriented, with purpose...

Or maybe you enjoy the whimsy of dealing with things when they come your way?  Floating along like a feather on a breeze...  <insert the theme song of "Forrest Gump" here>

I think my dual personality, being a Gemini, has me conflicted between both traits.  I try to plan and try to focus, I love organization.  It makes me feel "in control"...but then I'll see something or I'll have an inspiration that distracts me and I'll drift off on a tangent...

I get impatient, too.  I sometimes don't understand why it takes so long to arrive at a destination.  I want what I want right NOW.  

So that's my dilemma.  Which path to take?  Hmmmm

I'm listening.  I'm open for guidance.  I'm aware of my surroundings and enjoying the energy around me.  And I feel peaceful.  So which direction on the map do I take?  Sometimes I feel like closing my eyes and pointing my finger at random and seeing where it takes me...