On a small scale, that could be my son asking me why he has to wash his hair. Or on a big scale that could be about the meaning of life, "why am I here?"
I think that is the question that keeps us stuck sometimes. We want to know why, and there sometimes is no good answer.
Sometimes, you just have to trust in the unknown.
Throughout the past few years, I haven't understood the reasons for things; why situations happened, or why there is so much animosity in the world. But ultimately I have had to just trust in my own instincts. In a way, it is trusting in what you know to be real in a world that is made up of internet/media make-believe that can help you survive.
A very dear friend of mine who is a beautiful visual artist walked away from the art world many years ago. We were both about 27 years old at the time. I couldn't understand why someone who was so obviously talented and had so much to offer the world through her artwork could do such a thing. When I asked her why, she responded, "I can't stand the artist mentality anymore." At the time her response appalled me, as being a dance artist I couldn't think of anything that I loved more than dance and the world that dance created for me, I never could see myself walking away. Besides the fact that we were only 27 years old and I felt that she had so many more years ahead of her to create and explore.
Somehow, that is where I find myself today. I desperately don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be a negative energy. I don't want to bring people down. But that is the question I keep asking myself, "Why?" What is the point really? And I don't know the answer right now...
So, I am trying to trust...
I am trying to feel my way through this. I am starting by focusing on the things I know to be true.
I know that my husband loves me.
I know that my children love me.
I know that I love to feel my body dancing and exploring movement.
I know that I love to watch my children dance.
I know that I love to choreograph.
I know that I love to watch beautiful, artistic, and powerful dance.
I know that I love to help others learn about themselves through dance.
Other than that, I don't know much else to be true or valid at this point...
and I am learning to trust that it is okay to feel this way. I am hoping that I will discover new adventures where I will make beautiful memories through dance, theatre, and life. Beyond that I am open to whatever possibilities arise. It feels good to be hopeful. And I am trying to be open and not afraid. I am trying desperately to hold to these truths when I feel animosity around me. It all will take time...and some day I may understand my purpose.
I wanted to mention, that I very recently found out that a colleague of mine lost her battle with depression. My sincere thoughts and prayers go out to her family and friends as they move forward through this difficult time. I unfortunately did not have the opportunity to know her very well, but she seemed to be a kind and gentle soul whom never did any harm to anyone. I hope that her soul is at peace. I wish that we had more time to know each other better. But I do see how her beautiful artwork of costuming and design affected people, inspired people, and how they loved working with her. I have to believe that was the purpose of her life...the "why"...
I only hope that she may have known it.
This is a painting that my dear friend gave to me before she stopped painting.
The picture is a little unclear and doesn't do it justice at all.
I hope someday she will create more beautiful art again...
if anything, just for the joy of it.
