One of the things that I have come to understand about life is that it is never simple. People will hurt you. You will be treated less than you deserve. You will have someone cheat on you. You will have someone break your heart. You will be lied to. You will be abused. You will be gossiped about. You will be stolen from. You will be accused unjustly. You will be left. You will be ostracized. You will be misunderstood.
It is inevitable. And it will probably be someone that you cared about who commits these offenses against you. There will be nothing that you can do to stop them. It is out of your control. They may never admit that they have done anything wrong, and they certainly will never apologize.
However, you can choose to not be a victim.
A long time ago, I was the victim of abuse.
A dirty old man lured an innocent child into a dark room and did things that her innocent mind had never thought of. His wife lay "sleeping" on a nearby couch.
The child felt violated. She felt ashamed. She felt like she never should have gone into that room.
I know now, that I was a child, and that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent what happened. That the "man" was screwed up in the head. And I actually was an innocent victim.
I walked into a room and didn't understand or comprehend what was about to happen.
For many years, I repressed my feelings about what happened. Slowly and surely, when faced with moments of confrontation, I developed anxiety. If you have ever had anxiety, you know that it is something that you cannot control. Believe me, I would love to be able to stand up to someone in moments of confrontation without shaking or crying. I try to be strong, but in reality I appear very weak.
Coming full circle.
The funny thing about the arts, is that they bring our emotions, our thoughts, and our darkest fears to the surface, sometimes without us knowing. Who knew that trying to put my heart and soul into a collaborative project would make me feel so raw and exposed. I naively walked into a dark room, and was confronted with many psychological demons. I could not control the way people treated me...and yes there were moments where I was hurt, where I was treated less than I deserved, where I was cheated, where people broke my heart, where I was lied to, where I felt abused, where I was gossiped about, where I was stolen from, where I was accused unjustly, where I was left, where I was ostracized, and where I was misunderstood. And for a brief moment...
I was the victim of my own tragedy....and I judged myself harshly for it.
But gloriously, after many eons of nights of soul searching, I will no longer be a victim. I will no longer be a judge either, and I forgive myself for going into that room. From here on out, I know that the rooms that I walk into may have people with good or bad intentions standing there. But I am armed now as a Spiritual Warrior, safely shielded from any weapons that may be thrown at me. For I have released all of the hurt and anger and fear, they do not control me now. I am wrapped in a blanket of love. Love for myself.
Nor will I be the villain in someone else's tragedy. For I know now, that there may be other victims in that room with me, that I may not even know the depths of their pain. I know that the choices that I make, the words that I use, and the environments that I help create can have profound affects on whomever is there beside me. I choose to LOVE, and to FORGIVE, to HOPE, and to hopefully be a guiding light for others who may need me. I will be guided by feelings of love and joy in the hopes of using my art to help others. And hopefully we may all be healed.
At the end of the day, that is all that matters...that is all that is necessary...
