Am I My Resume?

I recently had to revamp my Curriculum Vitae (a highfalutin way to say resume) for work.  The process was actually meditative, as I started to analyze my career in dance displayed in words.
Thirty-five years of training, and over twenty years of professional dancing and teaching have seemed to slip through my fingers.  Does it feel like a long time?  In some ways, yes.  In other ways, I can still remember the smell of the rosin we would cover our feet with in ballet class as a little girl, and it only seems like yesterday.

I can see who I am as a dancer based on those words on that page; a little girl who loved ballet, who fell in love with theater, who became a teenager and fell in love with hip-hop, who became a young woman who fell in love with modern, who became a woman and fell in love with choreography.  It reads very simply, actually.

So I wonder why I confuse myself in who I am as a dancer??  Maybe because I see the judgement of how others perceive me...maybe because I feel trapped in teaching one genre for too long...or maybe because I'm too much of a chameleon who loves too many styles and can't focus on one direction...ADHD....
Regardless, the words on that page show a lifetime of hard work and dedication...and LOVE

Yes, I still love dance.  It will always be the love of my lifetime, I'm just learning to look at life differently and take what comes my way with open arms...




Isadora Duncan :-)

Being the Artist I Am

"There are many studies that suggest that people who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity." Translation: they seek approval from others about themselves, typically due to unmet childhood emotional needs.

This fabulous quote comes from one of the only good situation comedies on television right now: "The Big Bang Theory".  Every episode makes me smile.  I mean who couldn't love a show about a group of highly dysfunctional people who are so brilliant that they are stupid?  Dismissing all of the psycho-babble of the  above statement, is it true?  Absolutely.   Every time you create a piece of art that you consider in your mind a complete masterpiece (though you pretend to be humble by saying "oh it's just a work in progress"), secretly you are waiting on bated breath to hear the response from your audience and peers as to whether you've gotten their approval or whether you should go slit your wrists...I know, highly dramatic, but I'm an artist, remember???
The beauty of reading that statement, for me, is not the anguished response of why am I such a screwed up human being that I measure my self-worth on the fickle approval of God knows who?  Nor, is it about discovering what traumatic event in my childhood am I still trying to get over so that I prove that I am worthy?  More so, it is that I can read that statement with pride that, thank goodness, I don't have to constantly try and seek the approval of others any more.  Phew!  Lay that cross in the fire for good. 

I don't give a flying you-know-what about whether people like my art or not.  Hallelujah!!  I will not create art to seek approval nor to figure out my psychosis...I'm laying that one to rest as well.  Because truthfully, I know how painfully awkward and flawed I am as a human being...I don't need anyone else pointing it out to me or putting me in a position of inferiority.  No, as I move forward in life, I will only create art for my own enjoyment.  I will not compromise my convictions, and I will only work with people who have the willingness and eagerness to explore my world and allow me the privilege of exploring theirs.  Truthfully, it's all about getting in there and getting business done, and hoping that we've shown the world an honest portrayal of life in this crazy, screwed-up world.   Hopefully, hopefully, I'll gain wonderful friendships, learn amazing things, and take perilous situations that come my way with a grain of salt.  If I've learned anything in these last few months, it is that I am just a speck on this big huge planet that is pulsating with great possibility for human compassion.  Life can be filled with whatever energy you let in, don't ever do anything that isn't fun.  And learn to not judge others who are on their own journeys of self-exploration.  Only peace, love, and laughter...

Mirror, mirror

I heard another great quote this week.  It was while I was finishing my grading for my students, the T.V. on for background noise, "Fried Green Tomatoes" floating in and out of my consciousness, truly a must see film for anyone who loves southern culture...

"Someone helped put a mirror up in front of my face and I didn't like what I saw one bit, and you know what I did? I changed." ~ Kathy Bates as Evelyn Couch

Exactly.  Time for change.  Time to step forward and begin the next phase of my life.  I'm excited for it.  I'm excited to see what I learn about myself.  It's empowering me... The fear is gone.  The awareness is acute.  I understand now what I needed to learn and I thank the persons who held that mirror up for me, though they did it unknowingly.  For I'm the one making the conscious choice to better myself and hopefully I'll succeed.